The Gomez Girls: Interview with the Author

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Who is Tamara Zito and What are Gomez Girls?

During my death I discovered there was another me….

So I thought it only right to interview the other me Tamara Zito.  She is not only the creator of Tamzen Temple, blogger and mundane model but the author of the new amazing book The Gomez Girls.

Here it is.

Tamzen Temple: Thanks for being here considering I’m dead.

Tamara Zito: You’re actually not dead, it was the only way I could shut you up while I did something worthwhile.

Tamzen Temple: Then tell us what have you been doing while I’ve gone to heaven.

Tamara Zito:  I actually completed my book that I started over twelve years ago called the Gomez Girls.

Tamzen Temple: Wow, it must be a great literary work to take that long.

Tamara Zito: Not really but it is a great concept and bit of a juicy read with some twists and swearing in it.

Tamzen Temple:  Why is it called The Gomez Girls though?

Tamara Zito:  I love Gomez Addams. Let’s face it he is hilarious, gentlemanny, adores Morticia, filthy rich with lots of spare time and any woman would be lucky to have him as a  husband. I believe that as we are born with a man’s name then possibly when we get married we get stuck with a husband’s surname, that for those who hate their husband or father they should have the option of claiming the Gomez name.  So it’s about women around the world uniting and ridding themselves of a name from men who are idiots, unfaithful or unreliable and being part of a cool group. (please note we love Gomez Guys too as there are lots of crazy women)

Tamzen Temple: WOW. That is the most brilliant concept I have ever heard of. Is there more to the book?

Tamara Zito:  Totally. Jess Bingle is the blogger who creates the Gomez Girls and she’s a freaky unhinged fruitcake and she hangs out with two housemates and has random sex with some guy called Jack..

Tamzen Temple: She sounds cool.

Tamara Zito: She is…… a lot like most bloggers I know.

Tamzen Temple: So how much and where can I buy this soon to be cult classic book from?

Tamara Zito: From AMAZON and it’s only $8.88 aus dollars because I heard that in China 8 is a lucky number so thought I’d use that formula as a sure fire way of becoming a best seller.

Tamzen Zito: You’re pretty silly with numbers hey?

Tamara Temple:  Sure are. I failed maths but am rooly good with werds.

Tamnez Temzi: Why are our names getting mucked up?

Tample Zimple: Because we are one of the same. Just go buy the book as it’s just like me buying you a coffee for $4.44 and then myself a coffee for $4.44 only without the coffee and me benefiting from your money and continuing to write more good words.

Timple Tito: I will. I shall also go like the Gomez Girls Instagram Page and share a pic of my copy there and on Facebook or Twitter with all my friends.

Zebra : Thanks for your time.  The Gomez Girls is the best book this year and all women and men who are unhappy should definitely change their surnames to Gomez.

Groundbreaking news; Women who are considering changing their surnames to Gomez for obvious reasons … Melena Trump, Nadia off Married at First Sight,  Peg Bundy, Brooke Logan, Katie Holmes.

Let us know if you know any others or tell me if you read The Gomez Girls and what you thought.

Scroll, scroll down to tell.

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Tamzen Temple Obituary

Tamzen Temple Dead but not yet Buried.

Thank you for visiting and your condolences…..  and being here at the Temple at this sad time.

Obituary of a Temple Queen.

Tamzen Temple passed away at some point last week months after she quit Facebook. It has been confirmed that it wasn’t the lack of social media brain numbness that caused her death but old age.  She was in fact 60 years old but looked only in her late 30’s because her ridiculous approach to life bought her near eternal youth.

She leaves behind Micko the handsome exceptionally lovely Temple Guru who is devastated, shattered, utterly heartbroken and will be forever in mourning, who is seeking counselling not only for her passing but the fact he discovered he was sleeping with a woman that was 20 years older than him.

He has vowed to become a monk despite his appreciation for beautiful women, knowing Tamzen was so angelic that no other woman will ever compare even Miranda Kerr who looks like a tramp compared to Ms Temple.

Ms Temple the famous blogger known for the hashtag tattoo she sported on her right hand, was talented and her wit beyond the understanding of many.

“I never knew what the f&$% she ever was talking about, but I still found her one of the most intriguing people alive and I’m honoured to have her ashes scattered here on my island.”

Said Richard Branson when hearing her passing.

by Tamzen Temple (1)

Temple History

Ms Temple was switched at birth and went on to become an exceptional makeruppera and minterviewer.   He mother Marlene was a high class hooker and crowned with the title ‘most unprotected clients of the year’ in the year Ms Temple was born  and it was because of this Ms Temple didn’t know the identity of her father.   Rumors that it could have been Elvis or Mick Jagger have never been confirmed or denied.

Her most memorable minterview with Mark Zuckerberg went viral and he has donated a zillion dollars to the Temple foundation for Ms Temple’s  Nice Project.Obituary

 

The tweets were never-ending with this from Elle the Body Macpherson.

obituary

And this comment from her former lover George Clooney.

obituary

“No words can describe the emptiness I feel.  I can only go on with Amal as a substitute but at least now that Tamzy my one true love is dead, I can try to move on. Bless you my Temple Queen.”

But no one will miss her more than her BFF from across the seas.  Ellen declined to comment reportedly said to say this from an insider who was standing outside the Warner Bros studio.

“She was about to inform Tamzen Temple that she had caved and would make her the Ellen’s show official Australian Correspondent.  Ellen feels terrible that she took so long make the decision but ANYWAY…….”

obituary funny blog

Ms Temple will be cremated on Tuesday in a state ceremony and the Prime Minister has declared this day a public holiday and it will be voted on in Parliament next month if each year her death anniversary should be a continual public holiday.

She may return in the future, actually it is highly likely this is a fake death but you should leave your condolences below just in case. Scroll scroll down to do so.

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B & B: Who Slept with Who?

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Since I Quit Facebook….

You may have recalled, if you have ever read my blog, that I quit Facebook.

Many have asked (OK no one has asked) .. What have you been doing with all this extra time Tamzen Temple?

I tell them this.

I have been engrossed in two things…

Firstly the show Who do you think you are.  I love watching the stars unravel their family tree and finding out their ancestors were corrupt, pioneers, in the military, black, British or hookers. (or all of the previous)

And this research of family history has overlapped with my love of Bold and the Beautiful.

It only made sense that in my spare time I should combine the two shows by tracking back the ancestry or incestual behavior that goes on in this soap…. Maybe they call them soaps because they need serious washing out..

Fact ALERT:

They are called soap operas as soap companies where traditionally the sponsors of the shows back in the day…….

I’m like a freaking Google godess since quitting Facebook…..

Who Slept with Who?

Anywho.. After much research I have put together this very simplified pic for your reference.  I couldn’t fit everyone in as no page would be big enough for the slapped up bangas or male tarts on this show but basically everyone in the below pic has nearly slept with everyone or is the result of thus shagging.

who slept with who

Brooke has slept with the father ERIC and his two sons a step brother of one of these sons (as the father’s wife cheated on him and one of the sons isn’t his), plus Brooke has and is currently ogling her sisters’ husband…

Brooke however gets a bad wrap and Taylor is pretty much just as bad but as she’s a doctor and a brunette it has been ignored.

Although Brooke has slept with both of her daughters husbands (2)  or boyfriends  (1)….. One was an innocent mistake though as it was at a costume ball and she mistook him for her husband.. Brooke even managed to have a baby without giving birth by a mix up at the hospital and having her egg implanted in Taylor…

Taylor felt like she was carrying the devil (Rosemary’s baby)   and gave up the baby to the father Nick.

If you haven’t watched Bold and the Beautiful you should.  It is far better than meditating.  It will leave your mind null and void of any sense allowing you to appreciate your own life tenfold.

Peace and Omni from the Temple.

Confess….Do you watch Bold and the Beautiful?  DO you know who slept with who?  Did I miss anyone or anything?  Let me know. Scroll scroll down to tell me if I missed anyone in the who slept with who pic.

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Farewell the Blue Square: I Quit Facebook

I Quit Facebook

I have a friend who hardly ever answers her phone….. If you text her you can bet it may be at least two days before she gets back to you, often longer.

I have other friends who forget to return a text or call back a missed call as they “don’t check their phones.” Yet, I know that’s a lie because I just saw them post something on Facebook via their phone…

My friend forgets where she puts her mobile phone and it’s not an excuse. She is focused on her life not her phone, not Facebook.
She would be an awesome criminal as no one could track her movements. there would be no news story that said “she announced that she was  planning the attack/robbery/party on Facebook.”


Or if she went missing the detectives would be left scratching their heads as a common occurrence on the news: “She was last seen on High Street and posted a selfie earlier that day.  Since then there has been no activity on her Facebook account which has left both family and friends concerned. ”

I’ve been envious of her ability to do this.   I need to know where my phone is at all times. I need to check my Instagram for my blog. Ok that’s a lie. I don’t need to check it.. it’s a phone not a baby.  I may need to post a pic once a day or week but there’s no need to check.

It’s the same as Facebook. I wake up, check Facebook, have a morning coffee, check Facebook, after lunch, check Facebook… I see a red notification on the Facebook app on my phone so I check Facebook. Even after turning off notifications for groups and pages and people, the little red notification catches my eye.

And it may be… “your page is performing well, or has had 10 views or add a new cover.. blah blah crap.”

Stop freaking informing me of irrelevant crap Mr Z.   I swipe and inform ‘him’ to get fewer notifications like this yet they still haunt me.  It’s a ploy to get me to check my FB and hold me there only to find ten minutes has passed and I’ve forgotten what I’m meant to be doing while ignoring whatever Micko has just asked me and explaining to Bronzy that it may be for work and be important.. (Which it never has been)

img_4503Facebook is the devil to me as someone who works from home.  Yep.. I’m one of those students whose reports always had… Tamzen Temple gets easily distracted…. and this was pre Facebook.

I access all my news via Facebook as I have subscribed to these types of posts but among these news posts I get gifs, inspiration from David Wolf through friends who like his stuff, (BTW he’s an anti vaxer and you hate anti vaxers), awesome motivational videos that halt me in actual achieving as I watch instead of doing, cute cat  videos, kids giggling that make you feel all warm and fuzzy for the day, a craft or home hack that I will never use or a quirky video of a recipe with super catchy  music..

I’m over the control the blue square with the white F  has over me so last week I decided to quit.   My stepson Jordan dropped in and told us he was thinking of quitting it too.  He has over a thousand “friends” who want to know what he’s doing, where he is and try to lure him to catch up.  I was rather proud of him taking this stance.   He is at an impressionable age at 22 and the distraction of Facebook is something I never had back then.

I started thinking about it more and more after he left and felt hits of adrenaline at the prospect of removing this from my life.   I had to take into consideration my blog page on Facebook where I share content… Do I delete this, my Tamzen Temple FB page??? I manage pages for Micko the spunky Temple Guru and his band SKOL so I need a personal page to do that.

I have my business Before Breakfast…  Do I delete this as well?

Before I even start considering this I have to consider the groups I’m in …. totalling 53… WTF.. how did I end up in 53 groups?  I don’t think in real life I have ever been in any group and now I’m in groups for blogging, sales, marketing, freelance, beauty and a bunch of others and I have no idea how this happened.  I long turned off notifications for most of these groups but would drop by on occasion to many of them but not 53 of them for the love of God!

Two of these groups I started myself so I had to jump in and ask others to take over as admins so they wouldn’t be deleted.  There were the comments… “we’ll miss you” from those who never participated in any conversations, to “I could never quit Facebook… I love it too much.”

And I tried to think what I loved about Facebook… and came up with nothing.

Sure it put me back in touch with school friends of the past. I’ve made some amazing connections through some of the groups but I find that for me Facebook has bought about a form of depression that I want to avoid.

From my timeline where I see FB friends posting “There will be karma to those who wrong me, you know who you are.”  Ummmmmm how will they know unless they are  friends of yours on Facebook or you are hoping someone will tell them your feelings toward them?

OR “So over it all..”  to others commenting…”I hope everything is ok” to them posting back..”I’ll dm you with details.”  So I”m left wondering about the drama and if they’re ok and why you would vent publically telling the public that it is private..

I’d like to think I behave the same in real life as I do on Facebook, only I deal with real life in real life and don’t deal with problems with others through Facebook.  It’s a method I learned years ago and I call it communicating direct, face to face.  You may have heard of this and it involves an actual conversation either with the person in person or via mobile or landline…….

Honesty, integrity as that’s what the Temple is all about. We’re trying to bring back manners, decency and most of all common sense and I’ve veered off course to try and globalise this through social media and got myself all bound up by anxiety and disappointment by the actions or inactions of others on Facebook or in life.

I’ve got to admit this whole quitting has been prompted also by a series of unfortunate events since the start of the year.  I’ve had constant ridiculous health issues that are nothing major but feels like I’m continually sick or limping, car trouble, work issues, family stuff and more.
I’ve been overwhelmed and wanted to start simplifying my life and thought all this angst and crap is a freaking sign.  And it’s been amazing already. Since I made the decision to quit I’ve had four things in one day turn for the best.  I’m a believer of sending out the positive and my brain has been so jammed packed of late there was no room for change.

Since releasing myself from some commitments and making room in my head, the thoughts of what I am really aiming for in life, have surfaced again.

Facebook for me was too much white noise that made me stress about the welfare of others that I barely knew, about inappropriate behavior and language and sadness of those who continually want to share and be heard when they don’t listen, post or comment to those who have shown them support, not even a like…..

It saddened me that some drunk would post a pic of them on their fiftieth beer and received 100 likes and a mum who was struggling by sharing and reaching out for help would get none.  I couldn’t go on being the official liker of all things unliked as it was actually starting to really affect me.  I have to move on as Facebook behavior is in a league I can’t conform to.   I hated seeing friends post racist comments when I never knew that they felt this way in real life and now I feel awkward knowing them.  I felt heartbreak for others who tell me about those they assume to be close to them commenting generic words on their timelines to maintain  a relationship for the Facebook world to see but don’t include in their real life in fact are ignored or segregated.

And when  I realised that if I’m getting sad through something so minor as people not giving a great post a thumbs up, I knew it was time for a change as Facebook currency of likes, smiles, shock etc are a half second pre prepared reaction that holds no creed.

So I backed up my stuff and deactivated my account and wrote this.. without distraction.

What do you love or dislike about Facebook??
I’d love to know… scroll scroll down to tell

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Follow Me and I’ll take you here….

The Hidden Dangers of Instagram Bots

Instagram Bots Not.

I was at a cafe with friends the other day and one of them was taking the standard coffee pic while bragging that they had just been followed by a incredibly handsome male supermodel from France.

She was chuffed and started to flip her hair around while telling us he left a comment saying, “Awesome shot.”

“No he didn’t.” I said.

“Yes he did Tamzen Temple. You’re not the only one who gets admired by people across the world….”

So I left it at..   I had to give her a moment of fake glory to take away her Instagram insecurities.

By doing so left me in a dilemon……. (cross between a dilemma and lemon as it could be bitterly tragic to my bff)

Do I just allow her to believe in a false admiration?  Or hit her with the facts? ……

Spoiler alert for any Instagrammers that don’t want to know the truth….. Do not read on.

Instagram is full of fake likes and bots that hand out random comments like current salons are churning out pastel hair tones…

Instagress,   Autogrambot and Likestagram are all programs that help desperate people wanting to increase their followers, but are too lazy to engage with real people themselves so use these Instagram bots, to fake it.

Let’s look at this example.  Pierre… the French hottie who said “Awesome Shot” to my BFF Rochelle goes into this program picks five to ten hashtags that he knows will possibly be used by a particular demographic that he’s aiming for in terms of followers and does the following.

For every time the following words come up, one or two things will happen.  He (The Instgram Bots) will automatically like your pic and leave a generated comment based on that word.

Words that he may want to target and the comments he may use are:

#Model:  WOW   #Fit:  Great work   #Designer : Looks good   #gym:  Awesome shot.

Now the blatantly obvious problem with using these auto bots can be the following.

  • They are not real likers.. They have only liked because you have liked them.
  • They will highly likely not be engaged users.
  • They will highly likely go over to see who left this random comment and possibly like a pic back as a common courtesy.
  • They may follow back only but will possibly unfollow you when they realise you no longer follow them.

Unfollowing is a common thing Instagram bots do.  They lure you in and unfollow just as quickly so you don’t notice.

They trick unsuspecting users to engage or follow by faking comments or follows….

Go on.. I dare you to test this if you are a good old fashioned person, non blogger, non business..  Use the hashtags: #famous, #actor, #coffee #travel and I guarantee you will get random likes possibly by a wannabe actor, agent wanting to represent you, coffee shop wanting numbers or travel agent wanting to sell you a trip.

The Hidden Danger of Instagram Bots.

If you use some words you may end up some sites that are not appealing or the complete opposite to what you should and this will be visible to your followers/customers.

If you check your likes/comments you will see this when you click on the heart.

For yourself

instagram bots

Now Lauramay007 uses bots as she likes a few accounts I manage and leaves random Instagram Bots’ comments.

Then you can see who others are liking. I have only included myself from another page to protect others’ privacy.

Instagram Bots

Now here’s an example of the danger.

When doing some work for a company that produces an awesome baby product,  I sometimes go in and look at who has followed who and what they have liked as it’s a great way to find like minded people who may be interested in the product as they are already linked to someone you know.

When you check who has followed or liked pics it may come up in their timelines that they have liked hashtags that may be relevant but may include some undesirables or alternates to the hashtags that don’t represent their brand.

instagram bots

Or they misspell a hashtag and it comes up in their timeline of posts they have like that may include these.

instagram bots

 

Or there was a recent spate of spam from Snapchat Babies that were nudey rudey. (I have to say this appears to be lesser than once was. Instgram must be onto it.)

Instagram bots

Or proud partners may post pics of their baby…..
Instagram bots

 

How sweet. He must be so proud of his baby that he had to share.. so in love with each other??

Get my drift now?

Sometimes when I look on this feed of others that sell baby goods or who are putting their children on to sell as brand ambassadors and who obviously are using auto bots to increase their following you can see they have liked many of these pics automatically and if you didn’t know about the bots you could assume they were a bit perverted or wonder why their likes or follows were not in line with their brand.

They’ve auto liked and commented on the following hashtags… (remembering they are targeting people with babies)

#mybabygirl  #mybaby #babes  Autobotting a like for every picture that contains this/these hashtags among others and then when you check out who they have followed or liked may SHOCK you.. or not.

instagram bots

They have liked or followed without even knowing it..naked women,  naked men……. or even worse… Kim Kardashian!!

Now you know this you can see why the bots could be highly damaging to your businesses or your own reputation.  Plus if you are a mummy blogger or a mum trying to push her child as a brand rep and tagging their pics with these hashtags, be aware you are putting them in feeds where potential erotic pics exist and wrong eyes are upon them.

So there.  This is one example of hashtags gone wrong when linked to Instagram bots.

They may choose hashtags to BOT based on geographic location, to sell active wear or sports supplements by telling you “great guns” or “very pretty” for a selfie.. only to find they are selling makeup or the most annoying for anyone that uses the hashtag blogger or social influencer, you will get all sorts of social media managers telling you “great feed”.

That is why you shouldn’t like random people until you have checked them out, don’t follow them back just because they have followed you.

Check the hashtags you are using are relevant and that the people using them are like minded people.

What are your favorite hashtags..?  Have you been caught out on Instagram? Scroll scroll down to let me know.

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Foil Fashion: Get Foiled

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Funky Foil Fashion

My stylist Gucci Mustaf and I were recently approached by My Kitchen Masterchef Rules to glam up kitchen fashion.

The plain black or white aprons they wore were a little bland but necesary and the producers wanted to put a spin of glamour in the kitchen.

The brief was affordable  multipurpose head wear and accessories to wear in the kitchen.  Many of the contestants may have had a flair for corned beef but not the sparkle required to truly sizzle on the screen.

Gucci firstly came up with this foil chefs hat. The sleek lines similar to the traditional toques blanches to show authority or expertise in the kitchen.

You can see from my solemn yet exceptionally stunning looks that I am not too pleased with the simplicity of it.  It oozes more Iron Killer Chef and we went back to the chopping board to rework the design and add that extra zest to the look.

The accessories helped but I wasn’t feeling it.  We needed a mystery box challenge and to add that extra element to the look and a rack of lamb gave us the inspiration for a crown.

Gucci worked around me being the Temple Queen I am  and I explained to her from para phrases of The Block & MKR that the kitchen is the heart of the home or at least my Temple and that you eat with your eyes first, that presentation on the plate or at least my head was vital to winning the judges over.

So with Multix Alfoil as a non sponsor, we were on a roll and completed the task.  As the only Mundane Model in the Southern Hemisphere I was the only person for the job.

get foiled

The Tinny Tiara: Perfect for any Master Ruler Of the Kitchen.

I looked as theatrical than a Heston desert with the simplicity of Jamie Oliver toasted sanga.   Paired with a chunky foil choker I was ready to get baked like a Christmas turkey.

foil fashion

“It would be great to pair the Foil Fashion with the Chuxress especially in the kitchen but it would be a better fit with a Chux-apron and we’re in talks with manufacturers to get it out there.”  Gucci Mustav commented.
Gucci won again with a contract to produce a full range of Foil Fashion items to be sold in some of the top homewear and fashion stores (possibly Harris Scarfe) throughout the world.

foil fashion

Slogans were my forte which is why Gucci and I make such a great team. She creates and sews or bends the Foil Fashion, I model and come up with catchy words to capture the essence of the product.

foil fashion

GO GET FOILED

foil fashion

A cheeky play on words and a word many chefs understand having to work endless split shifts late at night dealing with wannabe foodies that want their steak more than rare…

Please note.. Rare is actually a scam, rare is crap (just like oysters) Chefs give us the impression this is the best way to cook them to save them time.

Go Get Foiled to all the members of the family that sit and tell you a million times that they’re hungry yet don’t move from the couch to cook.

Go Get Foiled to all the freaking cooking us non cooks do and making bolognese for the fifth time in a week because it’s all you know sucks….

It will have different meanings to us all but ultimately make cooking glamourous and for those who can’t afford to go out for a forty dollar meal, it will make them feel a little glam while they slave over a hot oven or bucket of Kentucky.

Foil Fashion is here to stay.. until you need some foil to cover leftovers for the oven then you can rip it off your head an walla!! Or you can just go buy some Multix Alfoil and book in for lessons with myself and Gucci.


foil fashion

If you would like to support our foil fashion come and follow me by subscribing to my newsletter once or twice a year… I’m to busy creating and interviewing superstars to send you spam.

Do you like my latest Mundane Modelling assignment.  Scroll scroll down to let me know.

 

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I Quit Asparagus: 7 Day Challenge

Asparagus Finito

asparagus

Whew.. I’m doing it…  I’m quitting asparagus.

It took me a whole four years to think of what I could quit. I’d already quit smoking through a brilliant hypnotist (although now whenever I hear the word cigarette, I crow like a rooster) I don’t have much sugar and I’m not into gambling of late…

I can’t give up social media as I freaking love Instagram too much….so after much thought, I thought with this growing trend of quitting things I really must join in.

So I took the bold step to quit this green funny vegetable. (Please note, as I gave up asparagus the picture may contain broccoli instead)

It was a hard journey and one I was hesitant to begin.  BUT as I do like to follow the trends of social media in the oversharing of sharing what is being quit, started, eaten, Donald Trump, hashtags, cat videos and quotes.. I thought it was my obligation as the writer of the ridiculous and social media hashtagger to document my physical and mental state through this challenge.


asparagus-700153_960_720
I call it the Seven Day Asparagus Ingestion Embargo.

Day One..

I wake up instantly craving asparagus… I think about the long slender sexy body and the funny Marge Simpson hair top thingy, a clash of beauty and insanity.  I laugh and think how much fun asparagus is and then slap myself across the face and eat raw pumpkin instead. It tastes crap but it stopped me thinking of asparagus.
#margesimpsonsfunnyvegetablehair

Day Two

Lunch date and I met my bestie Gwyneth Paltrow at the local cafe.. OMG she freaking orders asparagus..  I yell at her.. “Are you freaking for real Gwynnie??!!  You know I’m doing the Asparagus Ingestion Embargo.. What sort of a friend are you, you green eater?”

She tries to calm me but it’s too late.  The waiter brings out her order and I take it from his hand and throw it in her face.  “We are no longer friends you asparagus harlot. We are officially uncoupled.”

I left her crying in the cafe and felt bad but seriously, what sort of a friend orders asparagus?

#uncoupledasparagus

I quit asparagus

Day Three

I went to the supermarket to get the usual milk, bread blah blahh……. and right there in front of me was asparagus.. on special. Two for five dollars.. That’s a fifty cent saving and the temptation was great.  I turned my back and walked away and bought a pack of chocolate coated doughnuts instead.   Phew I nearly folded but doing this felt like a turning point to the seven day challenge.

#asparagustwospecialdeal

 

Day Four

I watch Sesame Street with Bronzy and there are dancing vegetables… including an asparagus.  Why, why am I being haunted by asparagus..? I mean I hadn’t eaten it for one year prior to this Asparagus Ingestion Embargo and now I have chosen to quit asparagus it’s in my face everywhere….

I feel terrible as I turn off the TV. Bronzy cries as he begs for me to turn it back on so he can learn the alphabet.  I tell him that Sesame Street is evil and he can never watch it again. He looks at me confused with tears in his eyes and I comfort him with chocolate and icecream.

#sesamestreetvscutevegetables

Day Five

I’m feeling edgy.   Everything I look at reminds me of asparagus.  I have four strong coffees in a row. Bronzy is at kinda so I have time to think and all I can think about is asparagus.   I want a cigarette and start crowing.  I search the house and find an old pack along with some old dried up tips of asparagus.. I mix it in with the cigarette and find that smoking asparagus takes away the edge.

#asparagussmoker

Day Six

I start searching online for asparagus…. I feel like I’m cheating looking at all the asparagus pictures….  I find one of white asparagus.  I instantly gag at the thought of eating this…  I have no idea why.

asparagus

#idontfeellikeasparagustoday

Day Seven

I made it.   I feel liberated.  I last the whole day without asparagus.  I don’t even think about it, possibly because I started drinking at 10am.   It’s a Sunday and they drink wine at church so I drink champagne at the Temple….

Findings

I felt a little solemn after I sobered up. I looked up the health benefits of asparagus and it’s really good for you.   Apparently it’s great for hangovers. So I went straight down to Woolies and bought some and put Sesame Street while I cooked it.   The house feels normal again and the Guru has come back inside after a week of avoiding me by hiding in the shed.

If you’ve been thinking about quitting asparagus, do it.. Challenge yourself.   Even though I’m back on it… I’ve never felt better….

What have you quit???? Scroll scroll down to let me know.

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The Baby Myth: Pre-Parenthood.

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The Baby Myth Exposed

Prior to the discovering the baby myth I was living happily with Micko the Temple Guru with no responsibility, an abundance of cash and slept in lazily every Sunday.

As a professional makeruppera, I usually write about all my superstar friends, bits happening on social media and other ridiculous bits.

Today however, I thought I should share a revelation to parenthood. Expose the truth of what parenthood really involves and why the F#$% anyone who thought about it in depth prior to having a child would want to do it.

You meet that special someone and have a yearning to have a child. You don’t know why this is,  you just as a female or male, a couple or even as a single male or female want to start a family. Procreate, have one of yourself.. have a baby….

The big B word. Baby baby baby…..

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And that’s the word that sucks you into the vortex… BABY.. cute, squishy, smoochy, big sigh moments, a feeling you may miss out, a natural part of life.. Baby… and I wasn’t even the maternal type.

The Baby Myth of all of the above makes no sense when we say it out aloud removing the baby part.

Instead of “I would love a baby” (the first time around)  what you’re really asking for, wishing for is something completely unknown.  This is known as ‘the baby myth’ Any baby after that, well you should know better.

When you say, I would love a piece of chocolate cake you know you’re getting cake but saying I would love a baby is like saying you would love an alien.  How do your freaking know you would love an alien?  You’ve never even met an alien and only know about aliens by movies such as ET and Alf and sure while ET was cute, Alf was more like a hairy old demanding man and what if the alien was like Mork and fully grown with strange quirky habits?

The baby myth of the cute commercials we see on TV or the dad pushing the pram as he gazes into his partner’s eyes… awww how sweet, what a man, the baby has bought out his soft side.

baby myth

The baby Myth is a feeling you think you may get, as they say all sorts of rubbish like, life is made up of moments… or you remember the feeling of the moment and you want all the moments and feelings you see in all the false advertising packaged in a perfect baby.

You’re asking for a little person who is part of yourself and the one you love, for parents of adopted baby are seeking completion to a possible unreachable unfathomable dream of having a child.

Not long after I got pregnant at the ripe age of 40 I had a bit of a panic attack.. I thought WTF am I doing? Why do I want this creature inside me?  It just happened, this egg spermy thing implanted itself there and although I wished for it throughout my life, I had no idea what I was wishing for.

There is a  random stranger in my stomach that I won’t meet for months and when he or she arrives they will take control of my life.

Babies do all of the following and I can’t for the life of me, work out why when you wish for a baby, what you’re really wishing for is for someone:

  1. To meet on a blind date in the delivery room or wherever they decide to arrive and highly likely fall in love with or possibly not.  It’s a gamble. (the percentages are higher than Tinder)
  2. To exit my body via a small cavity with the aid of a vacuum cleaner.
  3.  To hang off my boobs for a year or more.
  4. Who poops their pants for two or more years and expects me to change them.
  5. To cook for, for the next 18 or so years.. (Kind of like the Micko the Temple Guru but fussier)
  6. Who wakes me up several times a night because they’re hungry or cold or too hot or for no reason at all.  (Sometimes like Micko)
  7. Who spits on me and vomits over me constantly but especially when I put on my best clothes.
  8. Who will pee on me when their privates are exposed to air.
  9. To be a taxi driver for and drop them off to everything they need even when it conflicts with what I’m doing. (Teenagers & Micko again)
  10. To ask every half hour.. I’m hungry, what is there to eat? (WTF I’m talking about a toddler not Micko)
  11. Who makes a constant mess and has no intention of cleaning up. (Micko on the weekends)
  12. Who asks you to buy them commercially advertised products that they will never use. (Mattel or Bunnings)
  13. Who doesn’t listen to anything I say. (Most people)
  14. Who laughs at me when I fall over or walk into the wall. (BFF)
  15. To hit me on the head or stick their finger up my nose to wake me up.
  16. Who destroys the newspaper before I have even read it. (A dog)
  17. Who believes they are an artist and draws on the walls, carpets and anywhere else there is a blank patch.
  18. Who I will have to talk down from out of a tree.
  19. Who believes they control the remote and hides it in the toilet or bin to ensure it stays on their channel.
  20. Who will cause me continual anguish and worry when they are not near.
  21. To bring into the world that is being destroyed by humans.
  22. To bring into the world among psychopaths knowing you can’t be there to protect them every second of their lives.
  23. So I can leave a job I love and become unemployable because I will choose to be home with you for the first few years of your life.
  24. Who I have to spend every last cent on and leave me only a dollar occasionally. (Hmm I think I may do that to Micko)

You would not allow an adult to control you this way but for some bizarre primal reason you freaking want to do it for a baby. The Baby Myth doesn’t matter as if it did mankind would cease to exist.

baby myth

So see!! You don’t need a baby. Aside from points 1,3  and 4 you can pretty much get what you need of a partner, friend or random person or Mork like alien who you let live for free in your spare room or couch.  You would have a line of a hundred apply for the job of you to do all of the above or just take in an old person.

Ask a couple who is trying to have a baby.. “Why do you want a baby..?” They may be stumped because they don’t really know why.. they may come back with.. “We want to start a family”….  Why???  “Ummm because that’s what most do..”  It will be because of all the warm and fuzzy reasons, all the primal reasons but for no real reason at all.

Then give them the list.. and they will still want one because they want to learn from their own mistakes and they see how happy you are with your child unaware the happiness they see are crazy smiles from sleep deprivation.

Luckily the gamble paid off and I loved being knocked up, even enjoyed the pain of childbirth and totes think my boy Bronzy is the most awesome of all.

I tell Bronzy every day that he it the best thing that ever happened to me and he says the same back to me. (Except the time he got Bumble Bee the Transformer.)

Go have a baby or not but they will do the following to you:

  1. Make you realise that you can fall in love with a complete stranger.
  2. That you would die for someone without a thought.
  3. That there is so much goodness in the world
  4. That you adore your life although it is completely different to what you ever imagined or wished for.

Anywho.
Peace and Ommmmni from the Temple.
Scroll scroll down to let me know your thoughts.

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Hashtag Tattoo: The Explanation

INKED: A Hashtag Tattoo

So many people ask me why I have a hashtag tattoo.  I ask them back why they wear so much eyeliner or why they have pants that are way too tight.. or why they insist on coloring their hair in a soft pastel grey, wear a cowboy hat, wear paisley and stripes together.. or why they don’t wear a bra for to support their buxom melons… (especially men)…

I ask them why they still wear blue eyeshadow at the age of 50, active wear to sit on the couch, their pants so low that I can see their undies or why they may think I have a hashtag tattoo.  (I don’t really ask.. I instead roll my eyes at them and all the asking occurs in my head)

We should all do what we want when it comes to the accessories of life….  My thing is a hastag tattoo.

hashtag tattoo

Critics to fashion can only be matched by critics to a lifestyle or quirky behavior.

Some people wonder why I blog about ridiculous things.. I ask them why they blog about normal things,  swear, jog, look at their phones half their lives, are mean or nasty, read erotica, ride scooters in suits, sing out loud despite their terrible voices, have an affair, kiss their cat, drive a jeep in the city, or talk with an accent when they don’t really have one.. (once again.. eye roll.. voices in my head)

What I love about age is you love the insane.  You appreciate the crazy or at least respect them enough to be a little crazy and you develop an understanding for those who do wrong but please note.. I don”t really care what they are wearing or doing as long as they are happy….  As long as they aren’t hurting anyone.. but if someone should ask me why I do what I do I can easily react just as inappropriately as they do.

hashtag tattoo

As an eighteen year old I remember clearly laughing with my friends at the man who was on the dancefloor alone. Dancing ALONE on the empty floor!! (For those of you who don’t know what alone means that means solo.. without a friend or relative or even stranger in the vicinity)

OMG we would think he was an absolute loon but it was back in the day were OMG was actually full words…  Who would do that seriously?? He never knew we laughed at him, it wasn’t that we were pointing a giggling.. It was a private joke.  He was an enigma to us and would have been so old.. at least 25…

Now all those years on, I have the Guru by my side… he loves to dance. Loves it and believes he “invented” many moves that have been ripped off by others….

Should I not want to head out on the floor with him, he goes it alone.  I love him for it.  He goes crazy and I’m certain he is in the zone of being free and young and embracing the energy that dance gives him.  I understand now that it takes guts to dance alone.  You would have to be super brave to be out there for the scrutiny of young or undeveloped minds like mine once was or be so free in your mind that you would just not care.  He never questions my hashtag tattoo.

If you loved doing something, anything, why should it matter what anyone else thinks?  (Except if harming another through words or violence is something you love. Don’t freaking do that.. )

I have to admit, other than couple dancing, these days I have to be a bit drunk to bust a groove… terrible I know but I have no desire to dance at all except with Bronzy in the lounge and this is to encourage him to keep fit….

Aside from my hashtag tattoo, I have an @ on my left fingertip also…  I figure at least my tattoos will be useful.  Blogging and being semi famous can be exhausting so having these symbols inked on me save me time…. I can hold up my finger or hand and say nothing, they’ll know where to find me on social channels by doing this….

hashtag tattoo

Unlike the unknown Dippy, I mean Dappy…who got a hashtag tattoo on his face.. (that is just silly DipDap) so he will always stay on trend even though he has never been on trend I got mine have an actual useful purpose.

I really don’t care what anyone thinks of me which is what age has taught me and in my times of doubt and with a son to set an example for I try to be fearless and carefree.  When he asks why there is a lady wearing a red riding hood cape or blue eyeshadow, super tight pants, a pirate..(a guy with an unrequired eye patch)  or why that guy has pink hair, pastel hair or my ultimate favorite two eccentrics I have ever seen… I tell him it’s because they learned to be brave early and found who they were sooner than most.

And then he put this on his head…..

hashtag tattoo

He loved wearing that jug… I was so proud of my little man for being fearless enough to appreciate that red looks great on him even if it’s a cheap plastic and innovative enough to think of using it as a hat and that he could run into the walls and it was just like a helmet…. My child.. so proud..

It is a changing world and I like to keep up to date with changes to social media, thus why I’m trialling the Periscope hearts you can see on the top pic…

So with his dad dancing alone and me with my symbols over me  he should be set to be ridiculous or crave to be normal…

All I can say is Hashtag what an awesome life….

What is your strange yet awesome accessory or habit? Scroll scroll down to tell me…. xo

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Looks Matter: So Stop Looking

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Appearance is everything……

The story of the girl I saw with the pink and blue hair…  a green tartan skirt with holey black stockings.   Purple shirt with a red vest.  Absolutely owning her look.  Big false lashes and a baby doll face.  Bright red lips and a hole in her ear as big as a five cent piece.  Chunky boots that carried an aura to be envious of…..

YET slowly her shoulders slouched as eyes scanned her……. 😥 Their looks judged her as their eyes scanned her with their burning questions to themselves in their empty skulls of why would you choose to wear that, be a little different….????

I heard a guy say to his partner…”Someone should tell her she looks like a freak.”

I hovered ready to pounce if anyone did.

Who cares what anyone looks like as long as they are Just Being Freaking Nice….OK..!

He may have looked ‘normal’ (oh so boring) but to me he was the freak believing that his opinion mattered.

She is not carrying a knife, a gun or a swearing profanities.  She patted a child’s head as she walked past and smiled at the little urchin who probably thought she was a life sized doll.

If she didn’t care about his shallow, sheltered, one dimensional personality then why should he care about how she looks  for the fleeting moment he has seen her. They will most likely never cross paths again so back off dude.

Anywho. Looks do matter… If you look at yourself and feel awesome and reflect who you are then your looks matter to yourself and no one else.

The looks however the glaring disapproving, wondering from others can be the difference in someone’s life.

Love how you look , don’t ever care how others look at you.

Join the Temple Tribe to spread the NiCE message.

Have you ever stared longer than you should… been checked out for the wrong reasons?? Scroll scroll down to let me know.

Peace and Ommmni from the Temple. xo