Text Wars and Soup

Things in the Hollywood hills have been a bit quiet.

Aside from Gwyneth steaming things that just should not be steamed, which is totes not newsworthy at all and should be uncoupled from all news…the stars just are not doing anything exciting or scandalous anymore.

It means I spend more time here in OZ instead of abroad chasing stories.

Ho Hum… This has  meant we have had to cut back on some luxuries…

Micko and I do live ordinary lives and when the help is away on Sundays, I have to Temple God forbid, cook.

A Temple Queens’ work is never done. Not only do I have to prepare some sort of soup thingy to actually eat, I have to try to explain to Micko that I don’t do texts.

I despise texting…. I hate it.  Except for a quick ones like:

Running late or…. be there soon or…. I’m drunk or… buy chocolate or… out of champagne..or credit card please…. You get my drift right?

Aside from three word or under texts I believe you should pick up the phone and call.

There it begins.  Oh it’s just best for you to watch and see.

Ask yourself this when you watch.

Why am I holding a knife?? Is it to cut vegetables or am I planning in my head a way of removing that phone from his hand?

Why did I eat ten pancakes prior to filming rather that do 10 sit ups?

How can  Micko the Temple Guru be so incredibly handsome yet so annoying at the same time?

Why do I say freaking so many times??

Please note the exception to text when I send the Guru this: You’re a big spunk honey pie and I love you and you are soooo lucky to have me as I you and our boy Bronzy so say a prayer to the Temple Gods to thank them for all we have…..

Oh you must see me explaining to Micko what a  hashtag is.

Now: Have you joined our Temple Tribe?  Just enter your email and confirm, (could possibly be in your spam folder) Taadaa you are now officially one of the coolest people ever and I will endow you with a Temple blessing.

(Actually a toast with champagne but woteva)

Peace and Ommmm from the Temple…
Please scroll scroll down to share your sympathy with me in my struggle in explaining these text and tech things with Micko.

xxoo

Only One: Kanye: Who is Sir Paul?

Only One Question: Kanye: who is this Sir Paul?

I was running late last week for a catch up with  Sir Paul McCartney at the Temple.  To my devastation my personal assistant Kim Groman, yet to reach twenty years of age, decided to take it on herself to grill him about his latest collaboration with  Kanye West.

Here’s how it went down…

Kim Groman:  Thank you Sir Paul for joining me today.  I must say Sir is an unusual name.  Is it after someone? Your grandfather, father?

Sir Paul:  Oh not again.. my first name is Paul.  Just call me  Paul. Sir is because I was knighted.. never mind. Paul is fine.

Kim Groman:  Seriously?  I apologise, it must be a typo as I have Sir here. Anywhat Paul…

Sir Paul: Yes.  Look, where is Tamzen Temple. I was supposed to meet her here today.

Kim Groman: She, TT is on her way.  She texted me, here I’ll show you.  “traffic jam, please look after Sir Paul for me until I get there.”

Sir Paul: Well a cup o tea would be nice if you’re asking.

Kim Groman: No, I see this as fate, the stars have aligned to give me Kim Groman a  chance to interviewing you Mr Sir an upcoming star.

Sir Paul:  I think I’ll wait for Tamzen thanks.

Kim Groman: Look, Tamzen Temple is like double my age and doth not know about new music.  She still likes some guys called Buckly and Freddie..  Now, what was it like to work with Kanye?  I loveth Kanye.

Sir Paul:  Oh brother, not again.

Kim Groman: I have been listening to Kanye  since day 04… I was like ninish when my mum would play him super loud while she  put on all her fake stuff before work on a Saturday night:  you know, fake eyelashes, fake nails, fake tan…..

Sir Paul:  Yes he has been around for a while.

Kim Gorman: I knows. He has shaped my life in a way and now he has given you a chance to fulfil your music dream.

Sir Paul:  You know, I have been a musician most my life.

Kim Groman:  Many have, but it’s breaking into the mainstream that’s the hardest.  I love, as do my friends Bethany and Boo that you never gave up.  Especially at a time when many  retire into the sunset. Like did you ever consider buying a caravan and travelling  Oz like most oldies your age?

Sir Paul:  No, I can honestly say no.

Kim Groman: I suppose you need the moula  to do that.  Caravans are not cheap. Lucky for you one song with King Kanye may set you up in your retirement years.

Sir Paul: Yes I’m lucky….

I walked in during Kimbo’s interview and ended it promptly.

Sir Paul, or Uncle Paul as I call him flies over to the Temple on occasion to say hello..  My mum was a groupie from way back and when she said ‘she was with the band’, she really meant she was with all the bands, and roadies and cleaners….   it has always been questionable who my father was…

We narrowed it down to the one week of conception and ruled Sir Paul out but he still had a fondness for me knowing that one of his roadies could have been….

Oh mother.. She received monthly cheques from five different men, all happy to do so to keep her quiet.

Then I made Uncle Paul a cuppa and a scone as we joked about Kanye and the great love he has for himself.

There is Only One Sir Paul but there will be many Kanyes…..

Peace and Ommmmg I cannot believe this even happened….

Tamzen Temple

 

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Image of Sir Paul from  Wikipedia 

Hashtag Explanation: The Temple: You Tube

Hashtag Meaning Mashtag

If you didn’t know already, I have a hashtag tattoo on my right hand palm.  It allows me to lift my hand and highlight words.  I’m like a walking virtual Twitter or Instagram animation….

Micko the Temple Guru dislikes it and cannot understand the hashtag meaning… so in the following video I try to explain..

If I explained it to the next door neighbor’s turtle it might have been easier.

Anywho, I’d love you to show your support to my suffering of hashtag explanations to the Guru by giving us a You Tube thumbs up. Hashtag: Pleeeeaaassseee.

Here’s the link.

Oh there’s Bronzy.. He loves getting in on the act. Please note. He slips,,,,, we try to highlight the dangers of technology and children so give you this brilliant example of why you shouldn’t use your phone while holding a child.  No child was injured due to my unbelievable reflexes of catching him, or breaking his fall by gripping on to his PJ top.. Buttons however were popped..

Hashtag: Sewing…..

Peace and Ommmm from the Temple

xoxoxo

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Facebook to Ban Over 35s

The Facebook Showdown

Tamzen:  Hello Mr  Zuckenberg

Mark:  The name’s Mark.

Tamzen:  Thanks Mark, call me Tamzen.  Now there’s a heap of outrage at the moment that you’re going to cut Facebook into sections.  One section for 16-35 year olds and another section for 35 and above. What is this about?

Mark:  Simple there are too many parents complaining about what they discover their kids are doing.  Like all the selfies, suggestive posts,  butt and boob shots that appear.  The teens and twenty somethings have no shame.

Tamzen:  Well, what about the 35 and aboves?

Mark:  Simple there are too many kids complaining about what they discover their parents are doing.  Like all the selfies, suggestive posts butt and boob shots that appear.  The over 35s have no shame.

Tamzen:  Umm You just said the same statement and changed the ages around.

Mark:  That’s right. That’s how simple it is.

Tamzen:  Right. So you’re saying I can’t be friends with my stepson Jordan who is  twenty.

Mark:  No no no! You’re not getting it. You can be friends with him but can never access any of his info or look at his page.

Tamzen:  That’s ridiculous and defeats the whole purpose.

Mark:  How?

Tamzen:  It means my partner won’t be able to check up on him to see where he is at any given time.  Who he’s hanging out with, where he’s been, what he’s eating; all that stuff.

Mark: Exactly. I’m turning the clock back to the good old days where teenagers could go missing for days without their parents checking up on them or controlling their behaviour by posting embarrassing comments like: Where are you? Do you think that’s appropriate?  You’re grandmother may read this!  Language young lady!  And so on and so on.

Tamzen:  Well in the reverse how is it benefiting teens and under 35s from not being able to access their parent’s status?

Mark:  Are you really that stupid?

Tamzen: No I’m not stupid.

Mark: Ok let me ask you. What was your last status?

Tamzen:  On my personal page it was my little boy Bronzy in a tree. It was so cute……

Mark:  Boring!!!!! Who wants to see that, or know that someone is having coffee or how much you love chocolate cake, or that you lost 2 kilos, or that you just got your car serviced or that your husband bought you flowers???? Who who who would possibly be interested in the mundane of their lives? Certainly not teenagers, possibly not the 20-30s and over that they get too depressed from the 30-35 who may be involuntarily single or childless looking at your perfect life.

Tamzen:  Having a child or being in a relationship doesn’t mean a life is perfect just as not having them doesn’t make an unfulfilled life and my life is certainly not perfect.

Mark:  I know. I saw the comment Micko made about your hair.

Tamzen:  How? You’re not friends with myself or Micko.

Mark:  I run the show. I am a bit like God.  I can access anything I want; direct people in their social changes by adding a simple like, relationship, location or tag icon.

Tamzen:  I hate when people tag you when it’s not you but a sales page that sells shoes.

Mark:  Yes the location and tag ones were a deal I made with the feds to track the idiots who put their latest conquest on.  From some ‘unemployed’ person who deals, posing with their brand new unaffordable car to whose got what drugs by some punk teen posting, “lookin tonight, whose got sum?’  With all those in between that commit small time felonies then boast of their connections by tagging, hey I’m with Charles Manson. Ha ha, they should call it idiot book. They, the feds, now, thanks to me, know who those losers are with and where.

Tamzen:  Well they really are you.  You created it,  you should call it that, and Charles Manson is in jail.

Mark:  Yeah but he’s got a Facebook page and idiot book wouldn’t really be a great marketing idea.

Tamzen: Charles Manson has a Facebook page! That’s disgusting, abhorrent actually.

Mark:  His wife runs it for him, nearly sixty thousand followers.

Tamzen:  What!? How is that even allowed?

Mark:  Look I’m just the messenger,

Tamzen: No you’re not, you  created all this.

Mark: As I said I’m like God, I can’t control everything, just as he can’t stop the famines and floods. I can however distract people with mass advertising targeted just to them for a nice little fee, that is if they can steer their eyes away from a kitten stuck in a tree or a cute little baby giggling. Oh it’s ironic, Manson and babies and weight loss…. It’s all there.

Tamzen: I have to move on, I’m too utterly disgusted that someone like Charles Manson has Facebook page.  Right…. I  have noticed you have a page for business purposes with millions of followers but you don’t have a Facebook page, at least not a public one, there are heaps of ones about you but you don’t have one.  Is that because you don’t have any friends?

Mark: F&^% you.

Tamzen: I wasn’t being nasty, I just want to know why.  The Temple wants to help you find your way.

Mark: I know where I am, I just checked in and have my location on.

Tamzen: Ok  this is hopeless, I  think that’s all we need for now.  Can I come back and talk to you again in the future, see where Facebook is at?

Mark: Friend me and we’ll see.

Oh blessed his Facebook soul and I wish he would stop poking me already.  Ow!!

I hope that all my Facey friends go over and like Tamzen Temple.  Ohh we pray for all they are missing out on. Thank you to all the Canadians and Americans that are following, oh and if you didn’t get the latest post, we lost a few of you through tech faults with the updates, please press subscribe if you missed out on this through your mail. Subscribe, Tweet, Facebook, Pinterest, burp, oops excuse me, like, share and spread the Temple word.  Just be nice OK!!

Ommmmm and friend to all Tamzen xoxo

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Photo credit:  Brian Solis

Beyonce To Rock The Temple

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Rhythms with Beyonce

In the latest groundbreaking news, Tamzen Temple is engaged.

Witnesses said Ms Temple was spotted with long time partner Micko the Temple Guru at a Melbourne Club partying all night on the dance floor in an obvious celebration.

After being harassed by paparazzi, when Ms Temple and the Guru jumped on the bar to perform their unique dance; the Temple Tango, they were removed by security in a peaceful, ‘nice’ way.

They both then tangoed out of the club willingly without any trouble.  It was only after a pushy paparazzi shoved a camera in the face of Micko the Guru that Ms Temple began ranting to leave her ‘Beyonce’ alone.

No one could make sense of her rants until she said he was ‘bootylishious’, officially off the market and that they were happily engaged.

The two have had a long history together that has involved hurdles to their love with  George Clooney, who was infatuated by Ms Temple and Micko the Guru’s obvious obsession with Miranda Kerr.

On contacting the couple, Micko the Guru confirmed “Yes I did ask Tamzen to marry me, I felt after twelve years of knowing her and the unbelievable bacon and eggs she guaranteed every Sunday for the rest of my life, it was time.”

The two are parents to Lebron and wanted to seal the deal and Micko did so by giving Ms Temple a rock out of the garden.  “She’s not into bling and didn’t ever want a big rock on her finger so I thought this was symbolic in that it is solid  and grey…Sort of like me… I can honestly say that she is the one for now and for the moment.”

He explained that although the tattoo he once wore of  Miranda on his arm has been lasered off, his love for Ms Kerr could never be erased.  “Only Miranda could change things and tear us apart and Tamzen would understand if this should ever happen.”

Ms Temple laughed at his statement with a slight psychotic fury in her eyes and said she had ‘warned Miranda’  and that the rock was exactly what she wanted.  The engagement rock now sits in the newly engaged couple’s back garden.

No date has been set for the wedding.  Ms Temple says “we were thinking of  a cross between Will and Kate and Geoffrey and Brynne’s, or Geoffrey and Gabby’s nuptials,  but after realising we are middle class and not royalty or cashed up celebrities with no taste, have decided we will  keep it simple.  Either a quick exchange of vows at the registry office or everyone can bring a plate to a backyard barbie.

Article by Kim Groman

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To wish the couple good luck and pray for Miranda scroll, scroll down. (They really doth did geteth engaged!!)