The Baby Myth Exposed
Prior to the discovering the baby myth I was living happily with Micko the Temple Guru with no responsibility, an abundance of cash and slept in lazily every Sunday.
As a professional makeruppera, I usually write about all my superstar friends, bits happening on social media and other ridiculous bits.
Today however, I thought I should share a revelation to parenthood. Expose the truth of what parenthood really involves and why the F#$% anyone who thought about it in depth prior to having a child would want to do it.
You meet that special someone and have a yearning to have a child. You don’t know why this is, you just as a female or male, a couple or even as a single male or female want to start a family. Procreate, have one of yourself.. have a baby….
The big B word. Baby baby baby…..
And that’s the word that sucks you into the vortex… BABY.. cute, squishy, smoochy, big sigh moments, a feeling you may miss out, a natural part of life.. Baby… and I wasn’t even the maternal type.
The Baby Myth of all of the above makes no sense when we say it out aloud removing the baby part.
Instead of “I would love a baby” (the first time around) what you’re really asking for, wishing for is something completely unknown. This is known as ‘the baby myth’ Any baby after that, well you should know better.
When you say, I would love a piece of chocolate cake you know you’re getting cake but saying I would love a baby is like saying you would love an alien. How do your freaking know you would love an alien? You’ve never even met an alien and only know about aliens by movies such as ET and Alf and sure while ET was cute, Alf was more like a hairy old demanding man and what if the alien was like Mork and fully grown with strange quirky habits?
The baby myth of the cute commercials we see on TV or the dad pushing the pram as he gazes into his partner’s eyes… awww how sweet, what a man, the baby has bought out his soft side.
The baby Myth is a feeling you think you may get, as they say all sorts of rubbish like, life is made up of moments… or you remember the feeling of the moment and you want all the moments and feelings you see in all the false advertising packaged in a perfect baby.
You’re asking for a little person who is part of yourself and the one you love, for parents of adopted baby are seeking completion to a possible unreachable unfathomable dream of having a child.
Not long after I got pregnant at the ripe age of 40 I had a bit of a panic attack.. I thought WTF am I doing? Why do I want this creature inside me? It just happened, this egg spermy thing implanted itself there and although I wished for it throughout my life, I had no idea what I was wishing for.
There is a random stranger in my stomach that I won’t meet for months and when he or she arrives they will take control of my life.
Babies do all of the following and I can’t for the life of me, work out why when you wish for a baby, what you’re really wishing for is for someone:
- To meet on a blind date in the delivery room or wherever they decide to arrive and highly likely fall in love with or possibly not. It’s a gamble. (the percentages are higher than Tinder)
- To exit my body via a small cavity with the aid of a vacuum cleaner.
- To hang off my boobs for a year or more.
- Who poops their pants for two or more years and expects me to change them.
- To cook for, for the next 18 or so years.. (Kind of like the Micko the Temple Guru but fussier)
- Who wakes me up several times a night because they’re hungry or cold or too hot or for no reason at all. (Sometimes like Micko)
- Who spits on me and vomits over me constantly but especially when I put on my best clothes.
- Who will pee on me when their privates are exposed to air.
- To be a taxi driver for and drop them off to everything they need even when it conflicts with what I’m doing. (Teenagers & Micko again)
- To ask every half hour.. I’m hungry, what is there to eat? (WTF I’m talking about a toddler not Micko)
- Who makes a constant mess and has no intention of cleaning up. (Micko on the weekends)
- Who asks you to buy them commercially advertised products that they will never use. (Mattel or Bunnings)
- Who doesn’t listen to anything I say. (Most people)
- Who laughs at me when I fall over or walk into the wall. (BFF)
- To hit me on the head or stick their finger up my nose to wake me up.
- Who destroys the newspaper before I have even read it. (A dog)
- Who believes they are an artist and draws on the walls, carpets and anywhere else there is a blank patch.
- Who I will have to talk down from out of a tree.
- Who believes they control the remote and hides it in the toilet or bin to ensure it stays on their channel.
- Who will cause me continual anguish and worry when they are not near.
- To bring into the world that is being destroyed by humans.
- To bring into the world among psychopaths knowing you can’t be there to protect them every second of their lives.
- So I can leave a job I love and become unemployable because I will choose to be home with you for the first few years of your life.
- Who I have to spend every last cent on and leave me only a dollar occasionally. (Hmm I think I may do that to Micko)
You would not allow an adult to control you this way but for some bizarre primal reason you freaking want to do it for a baby. The Baby Myth doesn’t matter as if it did mankind would cease to exist.
So see!! You don’t need a baby. Aside from points 1,3 and 4 you can pretty much get what you need of a partner, friend or random person or Mork like alien who you let live for free in your spare room or couch. You would have a line of a hundred apply for the job of you to do all of the above or just take in an old person.
Ask a couple who is trying to have a baby.. “Why do you want a baby..?” They may be stumped because they don’t really know why.. they may come back with.. “We want to start a family”…. Why??? “Ummm because that’s what most do..” It will be because of all the warm and fuzzy reasons, all the primal reasons but for no real reason at all.
Then give them the list.. and they will still want one because they want to learn from their own mistakes and they see how happy you are with your child unaware the happiness they see are crazy smiles from sleep deprivation.
Luckily the gamble paid off and I loved being knocked up, even enjoyed the pain of childbirth and totes think my boy Bronzy is the most awesome of all.
I tell Bronzy every day that he it the best thing that ever happened to me and he says the same back to me. (Except the time he got Bumble Bee the Transformer.)
Go have a baby or not but they will do the following to you:
- Make you realise that you can fall in love with a complete stranger.
- That you would die for someone without a thought.
- That there is so much goodness in the world
- That you adore your life although it is completely different to what you ever imagined or wished for.
Peace and Ommmmni from the Temple.
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