Tamzen Temple Obituary

Tamzen Temple Dead but not yet Buried.

Thank you for visiting and your condolences…..  and being here at the Temple at this sad time.

Obituary of a Temple Queen.

Tamzen Temple passed away at some point last week months after she quit Facebook. It has been confirmed that it wasn’t the lack of social media brain numbness that caused her death but old age.  She was in fact 60 years old but looked only in her late 30’s because her ridiculous approach to life bought her near eternal youth.

She leaves behind Micko the handsome exceptionally lovely Temple Guru who is devastated, shattered, utterly heartbroken and will be forever in mourning, who is seeking counselling not only for her passing but the fact he discovered he was sleeping with a woman that was 20 years older than him.

He has vowed to become a monk despite his appreciation for beautiful women, knowing Tamzen was so angelic that no other woman will ever compare even Miranda Kerr who looks like a tramp compared to Ms Temple.

Ms Temple the famous blogger known for the hashtag tattoo she sported on her right hand, was talented and her wit beyond the understanding of many.

“I never knew what the f&$% she ever was talking about, but I still found her one of the most intriguing people alive and I’m honoured to have her ashes scattered here on my island.”

Said Richard Branson when hearing her passing.

by Tamzen Temple (1)

Temple History

Ms Temple was switched at birth and went on to become an exceptional makeruppera and minterviewer.   He mother Marlene was a high class hooker and crowned with the title ‘most unprotected clients of the year’ in the year Ms Temple was born  and it was because of this Ms Temple didn’t know the identity of her father.   Rumors that it could have been Elvis or Mick Jagger have never been confirmed or denied.

Her most memorable minterview with Mark Zuckerberg went viral and he has donated a zillion dollars to the Temple foundation for Ms Temple’s  Nice Project.Obituary

 

The tweets were never-ending with this from Elle the Body Macpherson.

obituary

And this comment from her former lover George Clooney.

obituary

“No words can describe the emptiness I feel.  I can only go on with Amal as a substitute but at least now that Tamzy my one true love is dead, I can try to move on. Bless you my Temple Queen.”

But no one will miss her more than her BFF from across the seas.  Ellen declined to comment reportedly said to say this from an insider who was standing outside the Warner Bros studio.

“She was about to inform Tamzen Temple that she had caved and would make her the Ellen’s show official Australian Correspondent.  Ellen feels terrible that she took so long make the decision but ANYWAY…….”

obituary funny blog

Ms Temple will be cremated on Tuesday in a state ceremony and the Prime Minister has declared this day a public holiday and it will be voted on in Parliament next month if each year her death anniversary should be a continual public holiday.

She may return in the future, actually it is highly likely this is a fake death but you should leave your condolences below just in case. Scroll scroll down to do so.

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B & B: Who Slept with Who?

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Since I Quit Facebook….

You may have recalled, if you have ever read my blog, that I quit Facebook.

Many have asked (OK no one has asked) .. What have you been doing with all this extra time Tamzen Temple?

I tell them this.

I have been engrossed in two things…

Firstly the show Who do you think you are.  I love watching the stars unravel their family tree and finding out their ancestors were corrupt, pioneers, in the military, black, British or hookers. (or all of the previous)

And this research of family history has overlapped with my love of Bold and the Beautiful.

It only made sense that in my spare time I should combine the two shows by tracking back the ancestry or incestual behavior that goes on in this soap…. Maybe they call them soaps because they need serious washing out..

Fact ALERT:

They are called soap operas as soap companies where traditionally the sponsors of the shows back in the day…….

I’m like a freaking Google godess since quitting Facebook…..

Who Slept with Who?

Anywho.. After much research I have put together this very simplified pic for your reference.  I couldn’t fit everyone in as no page would be big enough for the slapped up bangas or male tarts on this show but basically everyone in the below pic has nearly slept with everyone or is the result of thus shagging.

who slept with who

Brooke has slept with the father ERIC and his two sons a step brother of one of these sons (as the father’s wife cheated on him and one of the sons isn’t his), plus Brooke has and is currently ogling her sisters’ husband…

Brooke however gets a bad wrap and Taylor is pretty much just as bad but as she’s a doctor and a brunette it has been ignored.

Although Brooke has slept with both of her daughters husbands (2)  or boyfriends  (1)….. One was an innocent mistake though as it was at a costume ball and she mistook him for her husband.. Brooke even managed to have a baby without giving birth by a mix up at the hospital and having her egg implanted in Taylor…

Taylor felt like she was carrying the devil (Rosemary’s baby)   and gave up the baby to the father Nick.

If you haven’t watched Bold and the Beautiful you should.  It is far better than meditating.  It will leave your mind null and void of any sense allowing you to appreciate your own life tenfold.

Peace and Omni from the Temple.

Confess….Do you watch Bold and the Beautiful?  DO you know who slept with who?  Did I miss anyone or anything?  Let me know. Scroll scroll down to tell me if I missed anyone in the who slept with who pic.

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Farewell the Blue Square: I Quit Facebook

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I Quit Facebook

I have a friend who hardly ever answers her phone….. If you text her you can bet it may be at least two days before she gets back to you, often longer.

I have other friends who forget to return a text or call back a missed call as they “don’t check their phones.” Yet, I know that’s a lie because I just saw them post something on Facebook via their phone…

My friend forgets where she puts her mobile phone and it’s not an excuse. She is focused on her life not her phone, not Facebook.
She would be an awesome criminal as no one could track her movements. there would be no news story that said “she announced that she was  planning the attack/robbery/party on Facebook.”


Or if she went missing the detectives would be left scratching their heads as a common occurrence on the news: “She was last seen on High Street and posted a selfie earlier that day.  Since then there has been no activity on her Facebook account which has left both family and friends concerned. ”

I’ve been envious of her ability to do this.   I need to know where my phone is at all times. I need to check my Instagram for my blog. Ok that’s a lie. I don’t need to check it.. it’s a phone not a baby.  I may need to post a pic once a day or week but there’s no need to check.

It’s the same as Facebook. I wake up, check Facebook, have a morning coffee, check Facebook, after lunch, check Facebook… I see a red notification on the Facebook app on my phone so I check Facebook. Even after turning off notifications for groups and pages and people, the little red notification catches my eye.

And it may be… “your page is performing well, or has had 10 views or add a new cover.. blah blah crap.”

Stop freaking informing me of irrelevant crap Mr Z.   I swipe and inform ‘him’ to get fewer notifications like this yet they still haunt me.  It’s a ploy to get me to check my FB and hold me there only to find ten minutes has passed and I’ve forgotten what I’m meant to be doing while ignoring whatever Micko has just asked me and explaining to Bronzy that it may be for work and be important.. (Which it never has been)

img_4503Facebook is the devil to me as someone who works from home.  Yep.. I’m one of those students whose reports always had… Tamzen Temple gets easily distracted…. and this was pre Facebook.

I access all my news via Facebook as I have subscribed to these types of posts but among these news posts I get gifs, inspiration from David Wolf through friends who like his stuff, (BTW he’s an anti vaxer and you hate anti vaxers), awesome motivational videos that halt me in actual achieving as I watch instead of doing, cute cat  videos, kids giggling that make you feel all warm and fuzzy for the day, a craft or home hack that I will never use or a quirky video of a recipe with super catchy  music..

I’m over the control the blue square with the white F  has over me so last week I decided to quit.   My stepson Jordan dropped in and told us he was thinking of quitting it too.  He has over a thousand “friends” who want to know what he’s doing, where he is and try to lure him to catch up.  I was rather proud of him taking this stance.   He is at an impressionable age at 22 and the distraction of Facebook is something I never had back then.

I started thinking about it more and more after he left and felt hits of adrenaline at the prospect of removing this from my life.   I had to take into consideration my blog page on Facebook where I share content… Do I delete this, my Tamzen Temple FB page??? I manage pages for Micko the spunky Temple Guru and his band SKOL so I need a personal page to do that.

I have my business Before Breakfast…  Do I delete this as well?

Before I even start considering this I have to consider the groups I’m in …. totalling 53… WTF.. how did I end up in 53 groups?  I don’t think in real life I have ever been in any group and now I’m in groups for blogging, sales, marketing, freelance, beauty and a bunch of others and I have no idea how this happened.  I long turned off notifications for most of these groups but would drop by on occasion to many of them but not 53 of them for the love of God!

Two of these groups I started myself so I had to jump in and ask others to take over as admins so they wouldn’t be deleted.  There were the comments… “we’ll miss you” from those who never participated in any conversations, to “I could never quit Facebook… I love it too much.”

And I tried to think what I loved about Facebook… and came up with nothing.

Sure it put me back in touch with school friends of the past. I’ve made some amazing connections through some of the groups but I find that for me Facebook has bought about a form of depression that I want to avoid.

From my timeline where I see FB friends posting “There will be karma to those who wrong me, you know who you are.”  Ummmmmm how will they know unless they are  friends of yours on Facebook or you are hoping someone will tell them your feelings toward them?

OR “So over it all..”  to others commenting…”I hope everything is ok” to them posting back..”I’ll dm you with details.”  So I”m left wondering about the drama and if they’re ok and why you would vent publically telling the public that it is private..

I’d like to think I behave the same in real life as I do on Facebook, only I deal with real life in real life and don’t deal with problems with others through Facebook.  It’s a method I learned years ago and I call it communicating direct, face to face.  You may have heard of this and it involves an actual conversation either with the person in person or via mobile or landline…….

Honesty, integrity as that’s what the Temple is all about. We’re trying to bring back manners, decency and most of all common sense and I’ve veered off course to try and globalise this through social media and got myself all bound up by anxiety and disappointment by the actions or inactions of others on Facebook or in life.

I’ve got to admit this whole quitting has been prompted also by a series of unfortunate events since the start of the year.  I’ve had constant ridiculous health issues that are nothing major but feels like I’m continually sick or limping, car trouble, work issues, family stuff and more.
I’ve been overwhelmed and wanted to start simplifying my life and thought all this angst and crap is a freaking sign.  And it’s been amazing already. Since I made the decision to quit I’ve had four things in one day turn for the best.  I’m a believer of sending out the positive and my brain has been so jammed packed of late there was no room for change.

Since releasing myself from some commitments and making room in my head, the thoughts of what I am really aiming for in life, have surfaced again.

Facebook for me was too much white noise that made me stress about the welfare of others that I barely knew, about inappropriate behavior and language and sadness of those who continually want to share and be heard when they don’t listen, post or comment to those who have shown them support, not even a like…..

It saddened me that some drunk would post a pic of them on their fiftieth beer and received 100 likes and a mum who was struggling by sharing and reaching out for help would get none.  I couldn’t go on being the official liker of all things unliked as it was actually starting to really affect me.  I have to move on as Facebook behavior is in a league I can’t conform to.   I hated seeing friends post racist comments when I never knew that they felt this way in real life and now I feel awkward knowing them.  I felt heartbreak for others who tell me about those they assume to be close to them commenting generic words on their timelines to maintain  a relationship for the Facebook world to see but don’t include in their real life in fact are ignored or segregated.

And when  I realised that if I’m getting sad through something so minor as people not giving a great post a thumbs up, I knew it was time for a change as Facebook currency of likes, smiles, shock etc are a half second pre prepared reaction that holds no creed.

So I backed up my stuff and deactivated my account and wrote this.. without distraction.

What do you love or dislike about Facebook??
I’d love to know… scroll scroll down to tell

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Follow Me and I’ll take you here….

The Hidden Dangers of Instagram Bots

Instagram Bots Not.

I was at a cafe with friends the other day and one of them was taking the standard coffee pic while bragging that they had just been followed by a incredibly handsome male supermodel from France.

She was chuffed and started to flip her hair around while telling us he left a comment saying, “Awesome shot.”

“No he didn’t.” I said.

“Yes he did Tamzen Temple. You’re not the only one who gets admired by people across the world….”

So I left it at..   I had to give her a moment of fake glory to take away her Instagram insecurities.

By doing so left me in a dilemon……. (cross between a dilemma and lemon as it could be bitterly tragic to my bff)

Do I just allow her to believe in a false admiration?  Or hit her with the facts? ……

Spoiler alert for any Instagrammers that don’t want to know the truth….. Do not read on.

Instagram is full of fake likes and bots that hand out random comments like current salons are churning out pastel hair tones…

Instagress,   Autogrambot and Likestagram are all programs that help desperate people wanting to increase their followers, but are too lazy to engage with real people themselves so use these Instagram bots, to fake it.

Let’s look at this example.  Pierre… the French hottie who said “Awesome Shot” to my BFF Rochelle goes into this program picks five to ten hashtags that he knows will possibly be used by a particular demographic that he’s aiming for in terms of followers and does the following.

For every time the following words come up, one or two things will happen.  He (The Instgram Bots) will automatically like your pic and leave a generated comment based on that word.

Words that he may want to target and the comments he may use are:

#Model:  WOW   #Fit:  Great work   #Designer : Looks good   #gym:  Awesome shot.

Now the blatantly obvious problem with using these auto bots can be the following.

  • They are not real likers.. They have only liked because you have liked them.
  • They will highly likely not be engaged users.
  • They will highly likely go over to see who left this random comment and possibly like a pic back as a common courtesy.
  • They may follow back only but will possibly unfollow you when they realise you no longer follow them.

Unfollowing is a common thing Instagram bots do.  They lure you in and unfollow just as quickly so you don’t notice.

They trick unsuspecting users to engage or follow by faking comments or follows….

Go on.. I dare you to test this if you are a good old fashioned person, non blogger, non business..  Use the hashtags: #famous, #actor, #coffee #travel and I guarantee you will get random likes possibly by a wannabe actor, agent wanting to represent you, coffee shop wanting numbers or travel agent wanting to sell you a trip.

The Hidden Danger of Instagram Bots.

If you use some words you may end up some sites that are not appealing or the complete opposite to what you should and this will be visible to your followers/customers.

If you check your likes/comments you will see this when you click on the heart.

For yourself

instagram bots

Now Lauramay007 uses bots as she likes a few accounts I manage and leaves random Instagram Bots’ comments.

Then you can see who others are liking. I have only included myself from another page to protect others’ privacy.

Instagram Bots

Now here’s an example of the danger.

When doing some work for a company that produces an awesome baby product,  I sometimes go in and look at who has followed who and what they have liked as it’s a great way to find like minded people who may be interested in the product as they are already linked to someone you know.

When you check who has followed or liked pics it may come up in their timelines that they have liked hashtags that may be relevant but may include some undesirables or alternates to the hashtags that don’t represent their brand.

instagram bots

Or they misspell a hashtag and it comes up in their timeline of posts they have like that may include these.

instagram bots

 

Or there was a recent spate of spam from Snapchat Babies that were nudey rudey. (I have to say this appears to be lesser than once was. Instgram must be onto it.)

Instagram bots

Or proud partners may post pics of their baby…..
Instagram bots

 

How sweet. He must be so proud of his baby that he had to share.. so in love with each other??

Get my drift now?

Sometimes when I look on this feed of others that sell baby goods or who are putting their children on to sell as brand ambassadors and who obviously are using auto bots to increase their following you can see they have liked many of these pics automatically and if you didn’t know about the bots you could assume they were a bit perverted or wonder why their likes or follows were not in line with their brand.

They’ve auto liked and commented on the following hashtags… (remembering they are targeting people with babies)

#mybabygirl  #mybaby #babes  Autobotting a like for every picture that contains this/these hashtags among others and then when you check out who they have followed or liked may SHOCK you.. or not.

instagram bots

They have liked or followed without even knowing it..naked women,  naked men……. or even worse… Kim Kardashian!!

Now you know this you can see why the bots could be highly damaging to your businesses or your own reputation.  Plus if you are a mummy blogger or a mum trying to push her child as a brand rep and tagging their pics with these hashtags, be aware you are putting them in feeds where potential erotic pics exist and wrong eyes are upon them.

So there.  This is one example of hashtags gone wrong when linked to Instagram bots.

They may choose hashtags to BOT based on geographic location, to sell active wear or sports supplements by telling you “great guns” or “very pretty” for a selfie.. only to find they are selling makeup or the most annoying for anyone that uses the hashtag blogger or social influencer, you will get all sorts of social media managers telling you “great feed”.

That is why you shouldn’t like random people until you have checked them out, don’t follow them back just because they have followed you.

Check the hashtags you are using are relevant and that the people using them are like minded people.

What are your favorite hashtags..?  Have you been caught out on Instagram? Scroll scroll down to let me know.

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I Quit Asparagus: 7 Day Challenge

Asparagus Finito

asparagus

Whew.. I’m doing it…  I’m quitting asparagus.

It took me a whole four years to think of what I could quit. I’d already quit smoking through a brilliant hypnotist (although now whenever I hear the word cigarette, I crow like a rooster) I don’t have much sugar and I’m not into gambling of late…

I can’t give up social media as I freaking love Instagram too much….so after much thought, I thought with this growing trend of quitting things I really must join in.

So I took the bold step to quit this green funny vegetable. (Please note, as I gave up asparagus the picture may contain broccoli instead)

It was a hard journey and one I was hesitant to begin.  BUT as I do like to follow the trends of social media in the oversharing of sharing what is being quit, started, eaten, Donald Trump, hashtags, cat videos and quotes.. I thought it was my obligation as the writer of the ridiculous and social media hashtagger to document my physical and mental state through this challenge.


asparagus-700153_960_720
I call it the Seven Day Asparagus Ingestion Embargo.

Day One..

I wake up instantly craving asparagus… I think about the long slender sexy body and the funny Marge Simpson hair top thingy, a clash of beauty and insanity.  I laugh and think how much fun asparagus is and then slap myself across the face and eat raw pumpkin instead. It tastes crap but it stopped me thinking of asparagus.
#margesimpsonsfunnyvegetablehair

Day Two

Lunch date and I met my bestie Gwyneth Paltrow at the local cafe.. OMG she freaking orders asparagus..  I yell at her.. “Are you freaking for real Gwynnie??!!  You know I’m doing the Asparagus Ingestion Embargo.. What sort of a friend are you, you green eater?”

She tries to calm me but it’s too late.  The waiter brings out her order and I take it from his hand and throw it in her face.  “We are no longer friends you asparagus harlot. We are officially uncoupled.”

I left her crying in the cafe and felt bad but seriously, what sort of a friend orders asparagus?

#uncoupledasparagus

I quit asparagus

Day Three

I went to the supermarket to get the usual milk, bread blah blahh……. and right there in front of me was asparagus.. on special. Two for five dollars.. That’s a fifty cent saving and the temptation was great.  I turned my back and walked away and bought a pack of chocolate coated doughnuts instead.   Phew I nearly folded but doing this felt like a turning point to the seven day challenge.

#asparagustwospecialdeal

 

Day Four

I watch Sesame Street with Bronzy and there are dancing vegetables… including an asparagus.  Why, why am I being haunted by asparagus..? I mean I hadn’t eaten it for one year prior to this Asparagus Ingestion Embargo and now I have chosen to quit asparagus it’s in my face everywhere….

I feel terrible as I turn off the TV. Bronzy cries as he begs for me to turn it back on so he can learn the alphabet.  I tell him that Sesame Street is evil and he can never watch it again. He looks at me confused with tears in his eyes and I comfort him with chocolate and icecream.

#sesamestreetvscutevegetables

Day Five

I’m feeling edgy.   Everything I look at reminds me of asparagus.  I have four strong coffees in a row. Bronzy is at kinda so I have time to think and all I can think about is asparagus.   I want a cigarette and start crowing.  I search the house and find an old pack along with some old dried up tips of asparagus.. I mix it in with the cigarette and find that smoking asparagus takes away the edge.

#asparagussmoker

Day Six

I start searching online for asparagus…. I feel like I’m cheating looking at all the asparagus pictures….  I find one of white asparagus.  I instantly gag at the thought of eating this…  I have no idea why.

asparagus

#idontfeellikeasparagustoday

Day Seven

I made it.   I feel liberated.  I last the whole day without asparagus.  I don’t even think about it, possibly because I started drinking at 10am.   It’s a Sunday and they drink wine at church so I drink champagne at the Temple….

Findings

I felt a little solemn after I sobered up. I looked up the health benefits of asparagus and it’s really good for you.   Apparently it’s great for hangovers. So I went straight down to Woolies and bought some and put Sesame Street while I cooked it.   The house feels normal again and the Guru has come back inside after a week of avoiding me by hiding in the shed.

If you’ve been thinking about quitting asparagus, do it.. Challenge yourself.   Even though I’m back on it… I’ve never felt better….

What have you quit???? Scroll scroll down to let me know.

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Hashtag Tattoo: The Explanation

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INKED: A Hashtag Tattoo

So many people ask me why I have a hashtag tattoo.  I ask them back why they wear so much eyeliner or why they have pants that are way too tight.. or why they insist on coloring their hair in a soft pastel grey, wear a cowboy hat, wear paisley and stripes together.. or why they don’t wear a bra for to support their buxom melons… (especially men)…

I ask them why they still wear blue eyeshadow at the age of 50, active wear to sit on the couch, their pants so low that I can see their undies or why they may think I have a hashtag tattoo.  (I don’t really ask.. I instead roll my eyes at them and all the asking occurs in my head)

We should all do what we want when it comes to the accessories of life….  My thing is a hastag tattoo.

hashtag tattoo

Critics to fashion can only be matched by critics to a lifestyle or quirky behavior.

Some people wonder why I blog about ridiculous things.. I ask them why they blog about normal things,  swear, jog, look at their phones half their lives, are mean or nasty, read erotica, ride scooters in suits, sing out loud despite their terrible voices, have an affair, kiss their cat, drive a jeep in the city, or talk with an accent when they don’t really have one.. (once again.. eye roll.. voices in my head)

What I love about age is you love the insane.  You appreciate the crazy or at least respect them enough to be a little crazy and you develop an understanding for those who do wrong but please note.. I don”t really care what they are wearing or doing as long as they are happy….  As long as they aren’t hurting anyone.. but if someone should ask me why I do what I do I can easily react just as inappropriately as they do.

hashtag tattoo

As an eighteen year old I remember clearly laughing with my friends at the man who was on the dancefloor alone. Dancing ALONE on the empty floor!! (For those of you who don’t know what alone means that means solo.. without a friend or relative or even stranger in the vicinity)

OMG we would think he was an absolute loon but it was back in the day were OMG was actually full words…  Who would do that seriously?? He never knew we laughed at him, it wasn’t that we were pointing a giggling.. It was a private joke.  He was an enigma to us and would have been so old.. at least 25…

Now all those years on, I have the Guru by my side… he loves to dance. Loves it and believes he “invented” many moves that have been ripped off by others….

Should I not want to head out on the floor with him, he goes it alone.  I love him for it.  He goes crazy and I’m certain he is in the zone of being free and young and embracing the energy that dance gives him.  I understand now that it takes guts to dance alone.  You would have to be super brave to be out there for the scrutiny of young or undeveloped minds like mine once was or be so free in your mind that you would just not care.  He never questions my hashtag tattoo.

If you loved doing something, anything, why should it matter what anyone else thinks?  (Except if harming another through words or violence is something you love. Don’t freaking do that.. )

I have to admit, other than couple dancing, these days I have to be a bit drunk to bust a groove… terrible I know but I have no desire to dance at all except with Bronzy in the lounge and this is to encourage him to keep fit….

Aside from my hashtag tattoo, I have an @ on my left fingertip also…  I figure at least my tattoos will be useful.  Blogging and being semi famous can be exhausting so having these symbols inked on me save me time…. I can hold up my finger or hand and say nothing, they’ll know where to find me on social channels by doing this….

hashtag tattoo

Unlike the unknown Dippy, I mean Dappy…who got a hashtag tattoo on his face.. (that is just silly DipDap) so he will always stay on trend even though he has never been on trend I got mine have an actual useful purpose.

I really don’t care what anyone thinks of me which is what age has taught me and in my times of doubt and with a son to set an example for I try to be fearless and carefree.  When he asks why there is a lady wearing a red riding hood cape or blue eyeshadow, super tight pants, a pirate..(a guy with an unrequired eye patch)  or why that guy has pink hair, pastel hair or my ultimate favorite two eccentrics I have ever seen… I tell him it’s because they learned to be brave early and found who they were sooner than most.

And then he put this on his head…..

hashtag tattoo

He loved wearing that jug… I was so proud of my little man for being fearless enough to appreciate that red looks great on him even if it’s a cheap plastic and innovative enough to think of using it as a hat and that he could run into the walls and it was just like a helmet…. My child.. so proud..

It is a changing world and I like to keep up to date with changes to social media, thus why I’m trialling the Periscope hearts you can see on the top pic…

So with his dad dancing alone and me with my symbols over me  he should be set to be ridiculous or crave to be normal…

All I can say is Hashtag what an awesome life….

What is your strange yet awesome accessory or habit? Scroll scroll down to tell me…. xo

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Don’t Call Me C*&% or B%$#

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Female Fatal

Hello, my name is Tamzen Temple and I’m female and I don’t have anything exciting to share. I am in a relationship with Micko the big spunk and we’re currently living happily ever after on a small budget….

Whew!! So glad I got all my shady past out there. Judge me and unite. What you say. I’m not exciting enough?

Well how about this? In my 45 years of life have smoked a joint or two, taken an eccie once (best night of my life) and drink rarely.
Still not interesting you say. What? I need to add some more colour to my language?

I’m not about to start screaming obscenities to get noticed.

Is this the end for us? Oh hang on we haven’t even began. You know nothing of me, I do have a past, and I’ve dealt with it and moved on. The End.

I freaking am exciting, edgy and hilarious thank you!! I just don’t feel the need to fill in the rest of my sordid, ok maybe not sordid but crap has happened in life with you.

I rather like me but I feel I don’t fit in anymore, anywhere.

I open up my timeline and see woman of my past and present liking pages where women call each other bitches and c*&%s and don’t understand this.

“Here’s a pic of my bitch besty.” I read cringing as I wonder who the heck these women are.

WTF? (That’s as bad as I get with the foul language) Do they find it liberating to speak with a potty mouth? Have I missed the part of feminism where talking about box gaps and vaginas is newsworthy or revolutionary? Is this some parallel world I missed the flight for? Oh yes so many unanswered questions but I am searching for the truth.

female

Another I spotted. “Hey c*&% I miss ur f&%$% face,” written on a female friend’s timeline from another female I met once briefly. She writes back much the same.

I hope no one sees that ‘ my friend’ wrote that and assume I might be the same until I slap myself across the face and remember all that is good about my Facebook sister.

She is a great person, an independent female who says what she thinks. She’s awesome, confident, dynamic and has a charisma that can be intimidating and she’s stunning and immaculate. Then there are these words, never heard from her mouth but there on Facebook on that blue timeline for all to see.

Whatever happened to being lady like? Surely we can act like ladies and still be feminist with attitude all without the F&%$ and c%$# words overflowing.  (I can feel the death stares now from those who fight for female freedom)

Micko, the gentleman he is, would shut down any male that swore in front of myself, any elderly person, any female or child. We teach Bronzy (my son) to respect all, not swear and to be polite. We are in a time where domestic violence is at a high and yet there are many who find it acceptable for women to talk to each other in a way that would be highly unacceptable if men were to do the same.

Set an example people!

I love a female with a fiery attitude, one that is gutsy and bold, fearless and who has conquered demons but I have no desire to share my vagina stories; what it has been through or who has been through it, the who, the what, the how, the when and where. I don’t need to reminisce or celebrate about what it was and what it is now and especially not on Facebook.

Does talking like this make them strong women? Do they worry about their nieces, daughters or sons of friends of a young age who may be on Facebook and see that this degrading language is OK?

I don’t believe it is an example we should be setting and suddenly feel 70 in my opinion and wonder who the f&%$ I am to grow so old-fashioned in my thoughts.

I imagine men talking about their penises in the same way on their timelines and the uproar it would bring. Picture this: An out of shape hefty overweight or skinny lank man posting a naked picture on Facebook writing:

female

This is who I am. Accept me even with my small/large, circumcised/uncircumcised penis and my hairy unwaxed back and my man boobs or no muscles at all… because I am a real man and not what society portrays me as. I have achieved so much I life yet I am judged by this. I am more than this body or organ. I am me. Love me, love my penis you B&%$s and F%$#heads.

Oh yes I know it’s not the same  as women are judged more by the physical but my point is it messages don’t always translate the same when it comes to the sexes on social media.

Not everything we do calls for equality in fact it becomes dangerous if we start normalising women or men calling any man woman or child B%$#s, C%$#s, Sl$#@s or Ars#H%$#s. (Please never call any child this)

I don’t want to read or stories of the penis as equal as I don’t want to see or hear about vaginas on timelines in front of my own or the eyes of influential teens .

I scroll past these B$%#/C%$# posts a hurry and edit these people from my feed. Not unfriending them but turning off notifications.

There must be a need for a collective of woman to talk about muffs, love handles as it is constantly appearing like sexually transmitted language on my timeline. Am I missing the gene that gives me the need to openly share foul vocabulary and V stories with women ?

Do we want this to become the norm? “Hey this is my bitch ma and my c&%$ sister. This is my F&*% bestie and my dope little niece.”

“Terms of affection” I had someone comment once in a Instagram picture I posted on the subject. I can see it now at the workplace. “Hey B&%$ go do the filing you F&%$ gorgeous C&%$. Great job you H&^%”

No. This isn’t acceptable in the workplace, in the home and for goodness sake let’s not make it acceptable in life. It’s degrading to hear it from men and does not advance us as women.

So please can we just be freaking nice without the potty mouths or I’ll bring out the soap and wash your tongue.

Do you agree??  Scroll Scroll down to let me know.

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image of man from gratisography.

 

My Best Fake Memory

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I love a best fake memory….

Life is made up of memories…

Nothing else.

Relationships are formed through the creation of memories and then we reminisce with one another when together.  You meet someone you vaguely remember and possibly never met but say something like…”Your mum and my dad used to work together when we were five and we caught the same school bus…

Now with this Facebooky thing and Twitter and Instagram and blogs… we form all sorts of communities and within these friendships with people we will never meet.

There’s always an awkwardness when meeting anyone new… with friends the conversations flows through common interests and silences are ok when you’re secure with one another….

But.. most friendships will always be based on memories.. Remember when we, I, you or they did this.. bought that…. saw them… felt this…… fell down the stairs drunk… showed your boobs accidently….. ate a fly…..gave birth…..kissed a really creepy man with no teeth….ate a snake…..met George Clooney…

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You know.. the usual stuff memories are made of.  That first meeting though can be tense or easy as pie with a stranger.

You’ll be at a party and left in a room alone with someone new…”So you live nearby?  Where do you work….?  How do you know Bill and Judy? ” Generic chit chat….

Until you meet again the next time… and you reminisce… “So how is work at the sheep station?”  Because you remember this from the one previous conversation.

Or “How yummy were the tacos at Bill and Judy’s that night?”

Memories..

best fake memory

Back to my new online friends… I’m starting a revolution…. of memories..

So for example I had a friend on Facebook that I never met… just communicated with via feeds….

Occasionally on Facebook feeds you will see someone ask… “What is your favorite memory of us?”

So I have lots of friends I have never met on Facebook and through blogging communities and hate feeling left out so I make stuff up about them….

I’ll start with Ronnie… Oh he is hilarious. My best fake memory of when we first met is when we were both at an awards ceremony for funny blogs (I won)

I knew that I was funnier and he was really angry because of this so when I got up to receive the award he put a whoopee cushion on my chair so when I got back I let one rip and everyone laughed at me and patted him on the back and said..”You really are funny Ronnie..”

And I’m like screaming “No he’s not!! I got the award. He’s freaking not as funny as me..” then everyone laughed at me so threw a creme pie in his face and everyone took back what they said and confirmed.. “Yes Tamzen Temple..you are the funniest.”

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Not a picture of Ronnie but I think he may look like this..

Afterward Ronnie and me shook hands and he had one of those buzz handshake things which was a bit funny but I had a flower water pistol in my jacket and got him back straight away.. I won… We still talk about that night when his wife and cute daughter come to visit every Sunday for lunch. We cook asparagus and roast snake, their favorite.  Great times…

Or Pinky Poinker.. This is one of my most favorite, best fake memories… We were both looking at this old house to buy on Mount Tamborine and were wearing the same kaftans. Hilarious really. “Is yours a Camille?” I asked. And she’s like “Yes, for sure… is there any other?”  We went to a bar and ordered lemonade and talked all afternoon about floral prints and chihuahuas..

best fake memory

Or my friend Sarah... We didn’t really meet one day on the train except in my best fake memory where on the train we missed our stop because we both were so engrossed in our IPads watching an episode of Vikings.. Anywho.. we finally got off and there was a circus not far from the station. We were the last ones off the train so we dedided to hang out and went to the circus where the ringleader was crying because the clowns had left. We volunteered and did the job for the night only to find out we loved being clowns..

We decided to stay and ran away with them and only returned when we saw a Crime Stopper report on our disappearance.. The Temple Guru was crying on the TV begging for my return as I had been missing for two years and so I thought I had better go back to my old life… Sarah stayed with the circus and I still meet up every other week to clown around..

Do you have a best fake memory? Make one up for a Facebook friend you’ve never met and head to my Facebook post of this and use the hashtag #mybestfakememory to share yours or scroll scroll below.

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George Clooney picture

 

Interview with Sir God.

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Oh My Freaking God.

I have noticed a trend that is like a grimy stain that can’t seem to be removed with Napisan or Preen Degreaser nor can it be recognised by some even with a telescopic telescope while wearing bifocal binoculars..

The disgusting, festering Facebook feed that appears as: Write BLESS, AMEN or LIKE or SHARE to say a PRAYER.

As Temple Queen who believes she is an icon within herself, as usual I thought it was my duty to find out the truth.

I met him, Sir God, for an interview at The Barn,  a concept type bar/accommodation cider house down a long windy road.

I took Micko, Madge and Vaughn with me in case God turned out  to be a lunatic. (Which he wasn’t)

Anywho, while the three disciples of mine drank cider, I sat on some straw with God himself and asked him about his presence on Facebook.

Tamzen Temple: Sir God, whateth goes to the Facebook posteth my lord?

God: Oh for F*&%s sake I don’t post on Facebook.  You should know being of a biblical and royal background TT that I would have no part of any ridiculous scheme on Zuckerberg’s heaven.

Tamzen Temple:  So you never endorse those posteths that ask for a blessing, a prayer or a like to save a child, ill person, unfortunate situation or any posts that asks for a like to save their souls?

God: Hell no.  Thank me that finally I have a chance to put these morons straight.  I seriously created mankind to have a brain to think for themselves.  Not to use the whole bless/amen/pray words to become false icons to gain followers.  I mean are people down here that stupid?

Tamzen Temple: ‘Fraid so…

God:  I cannot believe that people click a grey thumbs up, making it blue and believe a prayer will be said. What happened to actually praying for someone and might I add these people who post the actual pictures or memes usually find a random picture from searching Google, picked, cropped out of the actual real picture and post it without consent to the person who is actually in the picture.  Idiots who like/pray/share/tag/heart or freaking whatever they do on Facebook are only being sucked in.  They don’t do any research to see if the person is real, they often violate that person’s power in the picture and give power to morons who are posting it.  Zuckerberg just turns his head and allows it within his guidelines of non violation.

Tamzen Temple: Jesus God, you really are getting worked up about this.  You are so angry in fact that you only used two commas in that really long statement.

God:  I F&%$#ing had enough.  An example is a small child who is ill who has possibly died, or a person who may be disfigured through an accident or look different due to a medical condition.  Someone, some glutton Facebook idiot has stolen their picture and put a caption under it:  Help this person who has to face life like this or, rare disease makes them a freak, pray for their lives to raise awareness, this person has an incurable disease and wants to see if they can reach 10,000 likes…. that sort of crap you know.

Tamzen Temple: Yes seeneth  heaps of those, can you pass the garlic bread please?

God: Sure…. Meanwhile as every idiot likes, prays, shares, amens,  there is the actual person or their family suffering as they see these images appear on their timeline and feel violated, humiliated, degraded, stripped of any self worth as they read the comments knowing they have had their power taken away.

Tamzen Temple:  So what can we do Sir God?

God: Stop liking random posts.  Do your research if you really feel it is genuine. Do a google image search on the pic and it most probably will find the original owner or even better, ask yourself why the original owner didn’t post this themselves.  REPORT the imbeciles who post them to Facebook, or comment and ask where the original pic comes from so you can go there yourself and like the owner’s page. You may find out the real story.

Tamzen Temple: Thanks God, keep up the reasonable work.

God: I try my best.

So with that God went off with the boys and talked of old times. Micko loves a bit of history and jokes and told God about the dyslexic guy who wondered if there really was a dog.  (Disclaimer.. Apologies to anyone who may be offended by that joke but it’s freaking hilarious)

god temple

(Join us 2.30 Periscope: Micko, Madge & Vaughn 2.30 Saturday Aust est)

 

PLEAAASSEEEE don’t be suckered into those stupid posts.  Research and help your family, friends and strangers you meet rather that a quick contribution to Facebook that only increases an idiot’s profile.

Peace and Ommmni from the Temple

xoxoxo Tamzen

What do you think of those dreaded posts on Facebook?  Scroll scroll down to tell me.

Hey go like me on Facebook… I need more disciples…. 

Want to know the exact location and meaning of the TEMPLE?

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Not A Sponsored Post

Instagram, Blogs & Sponsored Posts

With all the fuss about disclosure of products on blogs and sponsored post, the whole Instagram debacle of  Social Influencers charging a bundle of cash to post a pic… I thought it would be nice to give back to the retail world and my readers by doing a photo review with a difference for no payment or product being gifted.

Essena O’Neil recently revealed the startling truth that her pics on Instagram were highly photo shopped, filtered and not the ‘real world’… Ummmm I thought that was obvious to most.  I Juno or Chrome away, increase the black point but not before I highlight  my wrinkles to a nice fade, lux it up and end in a nice vignette….  Sounds like a French salad..

Anywho… Back to Essena who was probably much the same as most social influencers.  They received products and payments for a pic.   But more on that later.

As a Temple Queen with little fashion sense and a stylist fashion designer, Gucci Mustav,  we thought we would collaborate together, her designs, my mundane modelling to bring you another product  turned into fashion with a useful purpose (PTIFWAUP) at the same time.

The Chuxress : Not Sponsored

not a sponsored post funny blogs

 

We have taken it upon ourselves to start a not sponsored campaign…. (mainly because no one has heard of me other than a community in Jamaica, Istanbul, Kazakhstan and a bunch of lovely Canadians)

The Chux company know nothing of it, in fact they would probably prefer for us to leave their handy wipes alone but lack of sleep and champagne and spillage, often leads to the best inventions.

Gucci Mustav has done it again and of course so have I with my staggering talent and beauty to bring you the Chuxress..  (A cross of Chux & Dress said drunk)  Yes you won’t be able to say it but you can wear it.

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Mothers will no longer have to worry about those sticky, grubby little fingers approaching them.  A dirty face.. no stress just Chuxress it up.

A spill and you just can’t be F*&^ walking to the sink to grab a sponge.  Just Chuxress it up. (Please note, sponge accessory in pic an optional extra)

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Red wine on the floor… just roll around and Chuxress it up.
We got excited during the shoot and thought we would take it one step further and come up with a slogan for the campaign.
FullSizeRender (31)not a sponsored post funny blogs

Mess With Me

Gucci thought “don’t mess with me” should be written boldly. But then together we thought, freaking go ahead  and try… Thus the   “Mess with Me” slogan stuck.

Now back to all those Social Influencers.

We just figured that with the over inflated fees that Instagramers/Social Influencers were charging, we would do it for free.
I mean I had a quote for one Social Influencer to post a pic for a company I worked for.  It was going to cost us $750 plus the $250 worth of product, to simply have a pic live on their Instagram feed for 48 hours.

Real estate in Sydney is at an all time high but to keep this pic live, I would have to pay $50 per week for a wee little square patch……200,000 more followers but really…

Essena certainly started at a young age and the pressure may have been great but she would have surely made a heap of money in doing a job that was a lot less physical or underpaid than most teens her age.  She went back through each post and edited it to the real truth.  I wonder if she refunded any money paid by sponsors or buyers to that small square.

It’s time there was more exposure on what these insane Social Influencers are charging, they should disclose they are getting paid and followers should really understand they probably never even touch their own Instagram accounts and view any comments but rather let a manager do it for them and decide who is worthy …. (Someone with money)… To appear on the IG account.

These managers allow troll comments to stay and bickering among followers to happen never mediating these conversations or better still, just deleting comments and blocking these trolls because they are a number.  A number that can draw more deals.

not a sponsored post funny blogs

And here I am giving Chux a few squares on Instagram and a post for free….

Just watch sales increase to an extra 3 this week Chux. You’ll thank me.

BTW Chux is great and really comfy to wear.  I bet Chux Blue will be on the Patone Color Chart’s most popular next season along with the runways…

Peace and Ommmg …. realise that that superstar that followed you or liked your Instagram pic was probably automated to the hashtag famous or cute.

That’s a whole other post.

If you have a product you would like me to be a mundane model for, email me : tamzentemple@gmail.com

And do you like my dress? I’d love to know.
Scroll scroll down and tell me what’s the most practical thing you wear?

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