Tamzen Temple Obituary

Tamzen Temple Dead but not yet Buried.

Thank you for visiting and your condolences…..  and being here at the Temple at this sad time.

Obituary of a Temple Queen.

Tamzen Temple passed away at some point last week months after she quit Facebook. It has been confirmed that it wasn’t the lack of social media brain numbness that caused her death but old age.  She was in fact 60 years old but looked only in her late 30’s because her ridiculous approach to life bought her near eternal youth.

She leaves behind Micko the handsome exceptionally lovely Temple Guru who is devastated, shattered, utterly heartbroken and will be forever in mourning, who is seeking counselling not only for her passing but the fact he discovered he was sleeping with a woman that was 20 years older than him.

He has vowed to become a monk despite his appreciation for beautiful women, knowing Tamzen was so angelic that no other woman will ever compare even Miranda Kerr who looks like a tramp compared to Ms Temple.

Ms Temple the famous blogger known for the hashtag tattoo she sported on her right hand, was talented and her wit beyond the understanding of many.

“I never knew what the f&$% she ever was talking about, but I still found her one of the most intriguing people alive and I’m honoured to have her ashes scattered here on my island.”

Said Richard Branson when hearing her passing.

by Tamzen Temple (1)

Temple History

Ms Temple was switched at birth and went on to become an exceptional makeruppera and minterviewer.   He mother Marlene was a high class hooker and crowned with the title ‘most unprotected clients of the year’ in the year Ms Temple was born  and it was because of this Ms Temple didn’t know the identity of her father.   Rumors that it could have been Elvis or Mick Jagger have never been confirmed or denied.

Her most memorable minterview with Mark Zuckerberg went viral and he has donated a zillion dollars to the Temple foundation for Ms Temple’s  Nice Project.Obituary

 

The tweets were never-ending with this from Elle the Body Macpherson.

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And this comment from her former lover George Clooney.

obituary

“No words can describe the emptiness I feel.  I can only go on with Amal as a substitute but at least now that Tamzy my one true love is dead, I can try to move on. Bless you my Temple Queen.”

But no one will miss her more than her BFF from across the seas.  Ellen declined to comment reportedly said to say this from an insider who was standing outside the Warner Bros studio.

“She was about to inform Tamzen Temple that she had caved and would make her the Ellen’s show official Australian Correspondent.  Ellen feels terrible that she took so long make the decision but ANYWAY…….”

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Ms Temple will be cremated on Tuesday in a state ceremony and the Prime Minister has declared this day a public holiday and it will be voted on in Parliament next month if each year her death anniversary should be a continual public holiday.

She may return in the future, actually it is highly likely this is a fake death but you should leave your condolences below just in case. Scroll scroll down to do so.

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Foil Fashion: Get Foiled

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Funky Foil Fashion

My stylist Gucci Mustaf and I were recently approached by My Kitchen Masterchef Rules to glam up kitchen fashion.

The plain black or white aprons they wore were a little bland but necesary and the producers wanted to put a spin of glamour in the kitchen.

The brief was affordable  multipurpose head wear and accessories to wear in the kitchen.  Many of the contestants may have had a flair for corned beef but not the sparkle required to truly sizzle on the screen.

Gucci firstly came up with this foil chefs hat. The sleek lines similar to the traditional toques blanches to show authority or expertise in the kitchen.

You can see from my solemn yet exceptionally stunning looks that I am not too pleased with the simplicity of it.  It oozes more Iron Killer Chef and we went back to the chopping board to rework the design and add that extra zest to the look.

The accessories helped but I wasn’t feeling it.  We needed a mystery box challenge and to add that extra element to the look and a rack of lamb gave us the inspiration for a crown.

Gucci worked around me being the Temple Queen I am  and I explained to her from para phrases of The Block & MKR that the kitchen is the heart of the home or at least my Temple and that you eat with your eyes first, that presentation on the plate or at least my head was vital to winning the judges over.

So with Multix Alfoil as a non sponsor, we were on a roll and completed the task.  As the only Mundane Model in the Southern Hemisphere I was the only person for the job.

get foiled

The Tinny Tiara: Perfect for any Master Ruler Of the Kitchen.

I looked as theatrical than a Heston desert with the simplicity of Jamie Oliver toasted sanga.   Paired with a chunky foil choker I was ready to get baked like a Christmas turkey.

foil fashion

“It would be great to pair the Foil Fashion with the Chuxress especially in the kitchen but it would be a better fit with a Chux-apron and we’re in talks with manufacturers to get it out there.”  Gucci Mustav commented.
Gucci won again with a contract to produce a full range of Foil Fashion items to be sold in some of the top homewear and fashion stores (possibly Harris Scarfe) throughout the world.

foil fashion

Slogans were my forte which is why Gucci and I make such a great team. She creates and sews or bends the Foil Fashion, I model and come up with catchy words to capture the essence of the product.

foil fashion

GO GET FOILED

foil fashion

A cheeky play on words and a word many chefs understand having to work endless split shifts late at night dealing with wannabe foodies that want their steak more than rare…

Please note.. Rare is actually a scam, rare is crap (just like oysters) Chefs give us the impression this is the best way to cook them to save them time.

Go Get Foiled to all the members of the family that sit and tell you a million times that they’re hungry yet don’t move from the couch to cook.

Go Get Foiled to all the freaking cooking us non cooks do and making bolognese for the fifth time in a week because it’s all you know sucks….

It will have different meanings to us all but ultimately make cooking glamourous and for those who can’t afford to go out for a forty dollar meal, it will make them feel a little glam while they slave over a hot oven or bucket of Kentucky.

Foil Fashion is here to stay.. until you need some foil to cover leftovers for the oven then you can rip it off your head an walla!! Or you can just go buy some Multix Alfoil and book in for lessons with myself and Gucci.


foil fashion

If you would like to support our foil fashion come and follow me by subscribing to my newsletter once or twice a year… I’m to busy creating and interviewing superstars to send you spam.

Do you like my latest Mundane Modelling assignment.  Scroll scroll down to let me know.

 

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Dear Me: A Letter to the Younger Me.

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Dear Younger Me…

To the younger me,

The seventeen year old me….. not the four year old me because you can’t read yet.. So the seventeen year old me might be best, although you may not listen so I’ll make it the twenty five year old younger me.

Why are you reading this letter?  Do you have some sort of mental condition to believe that you can read letters from the future, younger me?

Are you a time traveller? If so can you come to here, the current time, but first go past the current me to the seventy five year old me to tell me any mistakes I might make?

But really, you younger me….

What really do you expect to learn from reading a letter from the future.?

I don’t think it will matter what I tell you as you will either do two things..

You may not listen and live your life just as you have.

Or you may be influenced by what I tell you and therefore change the fate of others through not being me of the past therefore you will alter the course of your destiny.

So there…

I am actually rather happy with who I am and who you were, so although there were crap moments, missed opportunities and bad hair, they all led you to where I am and you are today.

I do however want to tell you a few vital bits of what will happen to you as at the time I was shocked and you will be more prepared to handle them.

You actually were kidnapped by the government and fitted with robotic legs so you could jump to the moon and a prosthetic eye that allowed you to see around and through the world.

You married a robot called  Ultron and had babies that were cross bred and looked like humans with Toyota qualities.

Kidding. I’m just f&%$ing with your brain.  At least you can see you turned out hilarious, funny and extremely talented with letter writing.

But back to the truth.
If you had not experienced all the f&%$ ups then you or I would not be me and with these you are actually rather awesome at 45.

You, dear younger me have a rather high opinion of yourself and believe you are a Temple Queen.

Oh younger me, you like who you are and are a world famous blogger.  You do fake interviews with real superstars and will meet a big spunk called Micko the Temple Guru who is a big hottie.

Together you will become the creative minds you were destined to be.

So don’t freaking rush it. He had lessons to learn before meeting you so leave him alone until then.

I beg you not to read this letter or change anything because I would not be the me of today if you did.

I wish I could write a letter to the future me and there I would tell myself where I left my keys and if I will end up in a real Temple.

xo Love you, I mean me….

Peace and Ommmni.

xoxo

younger me

What would you say to the younger you??? I’d love to know. Scroll scroll down and tell me please. xo

 

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Not A Sponsored Post

Instagram, Blogs & Sponsored Posts

With all the fuss about disclosure of products on blogs and sponsored post, the whole Instagram debacle of  Social Influencers charging a bundle of cash to post a pic… I thought it would be nice to give back to the retail world and my readers by doing a photo review with a difference for no payment or product being gifted.

Essena O’Neil recently revealed the startling truth that her pics on Instagram were highly photo shopped, filtered and not the ‘real world’… Ummmm I thought that was obvious to most.  I Juno or Chrome away, increase the black point but not before I highlight  my wrinkles to a nice fade, lux it up and end in a nice vignette….  Sounds like a French salad..

Anywho… Back to Essena who was probably much the same as most social influencers.  They received products and payments for a pic.   But more on that later.

As a Temple Queen with little fashion sense and a stylist fashion designer, Gucci Mustav,  we thought we would collaborate together, her designs, my mundane modelling to bring you another product  turned into fashion with a useful purpose (PTIFWAUP) at the same time.

The Chuxress : Not Sponsored

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We have taken it upon ourselves to start a not sponsored campaign…. (mainly because no one has heard of me other than a community in Jamaica, Istanbul, Kazakhstan and a bunch of lovely Canadians)

The Chux company know nothing of it, in fact they would probably prefer for us to leave their handy wipes alone but lack of sleep and champagne and spillage, often leads to the best inventions.

Gucci Mustav has done it again and of course so have I with my staggering talent and beauty to bring you the Chuxress..  (A cross of Chux & Dress said drunk)  Yes you won’t be able to say it but you can wear it.

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Mothers will no longer have to worry about those sticky, grubby little fingers approaching them.  A dirty face.. no stress just Chuxress it up.

A spill and you just can’t be F*&^ walking to the sink to grab a sponge.  Just Chuxress it up. (Please note, sponge accessory in pic an optional extra)

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Red wine on the floor… just roll around and Chuxress it up.
We got excited during the shoot and thought we would take it one step further and come up with a slogan for the campaign.
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Mess With Me

Gucci thought “don’t mess with me” should be written boldly. But then together we thought, freaking go ahead  and try… Thus the   “Mess with Me” slogan stuck.

Now back to all those Social Influencers.

We just figured that with the over inflated fees that Instagramers/Social Influencers were charging, we would do it for free.
I mean I had a quote for one Social Influencer to post a pic for a company I worked for.  It was going to cost us $750 plus the $250 worth of product, to simply have a pic live on their Instagram feed for 48 hours.

Real estate in Sydney is at an all time high but to keep this pic live, I would have to pay $50 per week for a wee little square patch……200,000 more followers but really…

Essena certainly started at a young age and the pressure may have been great but she would have surely made a heap of money in doing a job that was a lot less physical or underpaid than most teens her age.  She went back through each post and edited it to the real truth.  I wonder if she refunded any money paid by sponsors or buyers to that small square.

It’s time there was more exposure on what these insane Social Influencers are charging, they should disclose they are getting paid and followers should really understand they probably never even touch their own Instagram accounts and view any comments but rather let a manager do it for them and decide who is worthy …. (Someone with money)… To appear on the IG account.

These managers allow troll comments to stay and bickering among followers to happen never mediating these conversations or better still, just deleting comments and blocking these trolls because they are a number.  A number that can draw more deals.

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And here I am giving Chux a few squares on Instagram and a post for free….

Just watch sales increase to an extra 3 this week Chux. You’ll thank me.

BTW Chux is great and really comfy to wear.  I bet Chux Blue will be on the Patone Color Chart’s most popular next season along with the runways…

Peace and Ommmg …. realise that that superstar that followed you or liked your Instagram pic was probably automated to the hashtag famous or cute.

That’s a whole other post.

If you have a product you would like me to be a mundane model for, email me : tamzentemple@gmail.com

And do you like my dress? I’d love to know.
Scroll scroll down and tell me what’s the most practical thing you wear?

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Seventy and Live Music at the Temple

Live at the Temple: Seventy

Music makes your heart sing and recent studies have found that singing will improve your brainpower by feeding the happiness section with seventy molecular bio beans proven by Einstein to make you smile.

They also discovered whilst eating doughnuts during the study that and awesome music will help you loose weight by making you shake your booty. (unfounded research and words used)

I don’t believe that there is a single person in the world who could say they hate music. There is just too many styles (over seventy) and artists to choose from to put a blanket hate on them all just as loving them all is going to be highly unlikely.

But there will be a tune, a beat, a symphony, a hum that evokes an memory a feeling of happiness, sadness, love or just plain annoyance.

Things have been quiet here on my blog because I have finally convinced the Temple Guru to just freaking sing.  He likes a song or two and is the guy that gives beautiful, amazing speeches at weddings, has the words to color the world and the heart to fully express it.

So after years of my non-musical, screeching voice yelling, annoying, pestering him to just sing, he finally got his mates Madge and Vaughn to hang out and jam.

I have discovered that among this singing is a songwriting wiz who has created with his mates, some freaking awesome tunes beyond what I thought possible.

I wanted to share with you my favorite song thus far called Seventy, that the boys have created.  Micko wrote the lyrics, Madge and Vaughn the music.  They play weekly in the shed Saturday afternoons at 2.30 and we stream live on Periscope. (Australian est)

So here is the big hit to be of 2016 as predicted by Dylan.

It’s called Seventy.

We hope you enjoy and join us Live at the Temple when you can.  Follow us to follow their journey each Saturday or head to the Temple Youtube channel to see the latest.

Peace Ommmm and music to all.
Like it, share it and I’ll love you forever.

xoxo Tamzen Temple

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Supermodel of the Mundane: Tamzen

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The Temple: Fashion Supermodel

There is only one model that captures the essence of gingham. Only the original supermodel Tamzen Temple can wear such a crap fabric and turn it half good.

G. Armani 2015


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 As many of you know I was a former supermodel and that after the pumpkin shoot my modelling career came to an end.

Well exciting things have been happening lately as I have been in and out of jobs and once again my former peers are calling me a supermodel.

I was approached by the Generic Elastic Hair Company to model their latest hair tie.  The brief was tough.  They wanted it to scream fashion and on trend.  I knew I could do it and had my poses planned long before the actual shoot.

As usual I was amazing and captured the look.

I alone managed to embody the pure necessity of a hair-tie conveniently worn by millions of women around their wrist ‘just in case.’

Supermodel Tamzen Temple

The campaign was a success and since then I have been hot property in the Mundane Modelling Industry.

Other supermodels won’t go there but I carved a niche for myself with designers embracing my talent for making mundane fashion items look extraordinary.

The picture below is one taken through the winter season to promote tissues of course.

Where there is a stigma of germs and snot, I manage to make the humble tissue a fashion must have and many women begged to be coughed on by those with festy flus to try to get the smoking dazey look I created.

 

Supermodel Tamzen Temple

 

A friend of mine named Gucci Mustav, who happens to be a top designer in Paris, had a baby about eight months ago.

Oh she is amazing and has designed couture gowns for royalty.
Now for anyone with a new baby you will know that the lack of sleep can make you delirious and I fear this is what happened.

She wanted to make a difference to the lives of mothers everywhere and make multipurpose fashion wear.  She had good intentions and being a compassionate supermodel,  I went along and donated my time to model her Tea Towel Scarf.  She thought it would be great for mums worldwide to own one and was near failure until I showed the world just how to wear it with my blue steel looks..

 

Supermodel Tamzen Temple

It was a hit and the millionaires who knew nothing about tea towels scooped them up at $2000 a piece.

The hype died down as did her clothes dryer,  as did her housekeeper. All dead in the same week, she had to actually hang her own clothes on the line and found herself with pegs attached to her clothes for easy reach when the Peg Princess Range was launched.

Supermodel Tamzen Temple

 

Once again her critics laughed at the idea. Once again I saved the day by using my stunning looks, heaps of filters and photo editing to make the mundane amazing.

Supermodel Tamzen Temple

I did glamour, royalty, rock chick and even boho.   They have been flying off the shelf and I am now near booked for the rest of the year with famous and emerging designers knowing I the most must have item in mundane fashion.

I’ll end with a quote from Veri Wang.  She was desperate for a model, I was there…..

Ms Temple is like a cheap wine.  She may not get better with age but is great alternative when the house is dry.

 

I’ll drink to that.

Peace and Ommm from the Temple.

See my latest mundane modelling assignment for Chux 

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This is a minterview format.

Funny Blog Funny Blogs

Funny Blog and Funny Blogs in The World.

So I got to thinking how absolutely funny I am.  Sometimes I sit writing my posts and I laugh and laugh and laugh and the Guru says, “what’s funny?”

And I answer…. “I am.”

He rolls his eyes and goes back to kitchen to bake me cookies……

This guy Jack I work with says that without modesty I will never be successful but I’ve done the whole modest thingy and best I come clean and admit that I am freaking funny…. If only to myself that is.

But then I got chatting to my friend Ronnie Peace and we looked up funny blogs and neither of us appeared on top or on the next 40 pages.  This was alarming to us both because we know we are hilarious.. Maybe I should look up hilarious blogs and I would be number one.

Maybe he should look up strange, odd funny blogs and he would be number one also…

So I am writing this specifically to use the tag ‘funny blogs’.

I have a funny blogs.  (I say funny blogs rather than funny blog because if anyone is searching for a funny blog they will include an s to widen their search)

I have a satire blogs.  (again an s)  See if I include these words in the main text and in the heading and  tags I should come up higher in the search.

Funny blogs.

OK that was just an extra one thrown in to get the words funny blog onto at least the first page.

Now stop for a moment because if you have a list this is also handy for SEO

A list of facts surrounding funny blogs on the web

  1. Tamzen Temple has a funny blog.
  2. I know of a funny blog and it can be found at http://tamzentemple.com.au
  3. Of all the funny blogs I have seen Tamzen Temple’s is the funniest.
  4. Funny blogs alongside pancakes can assist in curing sadness.
  5. George Clooney thinks Tamzen Temple has a funny blogs.

Now there are other funny blogs but in the world where mummy blogs, food blogs, current affair satire blogs or fitness blogs: funny blogs like mine can get lost and not fully appreciated by people who love funny blogs.

You can sometimes use the tag or key word to often and that can work against you but I’ll take a risk on this page, my funny blogs.

Now I can be serious on my funny blogs but I aim to make you smile a little and get away from the serious.

My whole line is ‘writer of the ridiculous to highlight the ridiculous.’

I do this to take a serious subject and expose it for being just silly.  Like for example when Paul McCartney was unknown to Kanye’s fans.

That’s just silly.

Or

The blogger Belle faking her illness.  That is beyond ridiculous and I don’t make light of what she done but  highlight the ridiculous that the media didn’t do the research earlier.

So I do have a funny blogs…

Here’s the headline… Tamzen Temple is the funniest blogs.  (had to get the actual blog name in…) I also am extremely hilarious on my Instagram page..

Whew.  So if you know someone who is looking for a funny blogs direct them my way.

Oh and then I can profit from the billions of views that all the other non funny but informative blogs make and update it and make it look as awesome as it is funny.

Don’t you want me.. my funny blogs to look pretty?

Funny blogs.

Oops sorry…..

The end.

xoxoxo from the funny blogger Tamzen Temple

Definition of funny bloggers can be found in the Temple Dictionary.

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Why I Don’t Believe in Soul Mates

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Soul Mates??

Oh yes you are thinking how can a Temple Queen be so pessimistic.

I’m not being negative at all, I’m being realistic.  Yes I believe in absolute love,  I believe in finding the perfect match for yourself, for that moment and the moment hopefully will be a very long one.

I cannot imagine the Micko the Guru and me ever being apart. We were possibly destined to grow old together but I’m sure he’s not the only one for me in the world and I bet you there would be dozens who he could live happily ever after with.

Come on… the world is a huge place and I have to laugh just a little when I see Tinder type ads or newly together couples saying , “I met my soul mate on line, at the local bar, at my work, doing a fun run, drunk at the side of the ride.” I’m sure you did but there’s probably an equally great match across the seas in a far away land who you could be happy with, who you could love and be loved back by.

I mean isn’t the presumption of a soul mate one that is so in your soul, so in tune with you that the stars align with every kiss and you finish one another’s sentences.  Soul itself has such a religious connotation to it that for me as a Spireligiousalien practicing type person, it would be wrong to use the term soul mate without feeling I’m disrespecting any Catholic or Christian….

Wow. Extraordinary to think that in a world of 300 billion.. (figures most likely inaccurate, see why here) that the person next door or that guy at the pub down the road or that person you met overseas who just happens to be from the same state is your soul mate.

I’m sure there is someone else out there that could love me…. I’m certain there is.. I mean I’m endearing and hilarious and on the other side of young but so is everyone else that side…. I like long pina coladas and getting caught in the rain……

I’m sure there would be other men for me and providing they smelt as good and were equally as handsome… or at least that x factor of attraction you can never pinpoint that I have with the Guru…..

These other possible matches for me somewhere in the world would probably possess qualities the Guru doesn’t that I so desire in a partner  like going to the supermarket for milk or noticing that the floor needs a sweep, bringing me home takeaway instead of bringing it home for himself and just assuming I didn’t want any……..

He has a whole lot of faults the Guru… Once I was changing the tyre on my car and he came out and said in his dashing heroic way…  “Let me help.”

I was saved, my white knight….until he just loosened the bolts and said “that’ll make it easier.”  He then went back in to watch the cricket.

Or much the same when I was changing a washer on a tap.. “Let me help” once again as I was sucked into his vortex of manliness only to be disappointed when he went to the shed, came back and said. “You’ll find this tool will make it much easier.”

He says he does this in case he should ever mysteriously die and I will be self sufficient and never ever need another man…..

Even worse just recently during a long, long bout with a cough and cold and flu and possible bubonic plague.. because that’s what it felt like….. He decided that he’d like to leave the ‘in sickness’ out of our wedding vows as he doesn’t do sick very well..

I knew he was kidding.. he would be there every second if it was serious but seriously he is the worst in non emergency sick situations…

The Guru hardly ever takes out the bins on bin night either…. He believes with his non dark past that if there ever should be a hit put on his life that bin night is the one predictable night that the assasins can carry it out and just can’t take the risk.. So he send me out instead….

This is not soul mate behavior……

No one is ever going to be absolutely perfect but it’s about balancing one another and not getting bored and I mentally torture the Micko the Guru with this and instead of saying in a love lorn way of “we’re going to be together forever, grow old as one.”

I remind him… “If we live until we’re ninety, that’s another 46 years of much the same.. Are happy with that?”

Of course he replies “well when you put it like that….”  or “don’t remind me..” or ponders in his deep smoking, hot, intense, thought process (even when he thinks he’s handsome)  and says, “that is a lot of years isn’t it?…”  as a tear trickles down his cheek.. In happiness I think.

We actually met at a strip club where I was working..

Now I wasn’t actually stripping. I was interviewing one of my superstar friends whose choice of an office was a chair in front of a pole with an athletic amazon upside down on it…..

The Guru was a topless waiter/bouncer there for the girls and our eyes met across the room and he wondered over and said…”You look like a beer type girl…”

I answered back… “I do like beer….. Now let me get you out of here… away from this life. These ogling eyes.”

He came home with me that night and never left..

I did hide his passport, licence and other cards to ensure he stayed around…….

I can’t say much more about his whole strip club history until legal proceedings finish….. I mean Magic Mick may not have the same catchy movie title to it but the story was much the same…..

Anywho…. Oh the mix of attraction.  The Guru to me is the biggest spunk, big heart, the best dad and everything I ever wanted…  while others may have a star exemption I truly have none, want none as to me he is the ants pants..

Star exemption you ask. Well I’m sure all couples have one or two.  For example, if Miranda Kerr should ever ask Micko out or to marry her, we have agreed that I will step aside and not get in his way of happiness…..

Jessica Alba also has right of way and so did Liz Hurley until she hooked up with Warnie and now Micko wants nothing to do with her.  I think it may be the fear that she’ll make him get botox over anything else and well… Warnie being a leg splitter and all has turned him off Liz a little…Oh correction.. leg spinner. I never understood cricket.

I am certain should this star opportunity ever happen that Magic Mick the Guru would run to the hills in fear of supermodel Miranda and her superpowers of that country girl personality with a city lifestyle mystic beauty.   He would freak out if it really happened but should it happen I would fade into the background for no one owns anyone, no one is responsible for anyone and I have learnt  after any loss you cry and cry for a while and readjust to new life… or die….

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I believe that a perfect partner can walk by you everyday but if you’re madly in love with someone, totally absorbed in the loveliness they are you may not see them because the one you’re with at that moment is the perfect partner, everyone else is invisible.

I believe there is more than one person for everyone because there are a whole lot of nice people out there, a whole lot of unhappy couples who are with their ‘soul mates’ who they have grown to despise, a heap of singles still looking, a lot of singles quite content in their own company.

A guy I know Jack says Micko has   Stockholm Syndrome….

That may be so but we are living our happily ever after………

Is your partner held hostage and never allowed to leave the house without a tracking device?  Are you with your soul mate or do you have a sole sister?

Am I being terrible and unromantic?  Do you believe in soul mates?  Do tell… scroll, scroll down to let me know.

Peace and Ommmmm and lots of rosy love and kisses. xoxoxo

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Royal Blogger Fraud

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Bogus Blogger Exposed

OK here it  is. I’m going to give the expose hey straight up.  I was recently asked to give an interview with Clarke Lane  about my amazing blog, the even more amazing me and the awesome advice I give… or don’t give…

Anywho I obviously thought it was to be featured in the Who Weekly’s Most Intriguing People but instead it was merely a ploy to tarnish my already tarnished yet highly polished, glossy  name.

Here is the interview from the Daily Sun.

Pancakes Can Cure

Says the Fake Queen!!

Temple Queen or biggest scammer in history?  Tamzen Temple arrived at the small inner-city cafe wearing her casual black clothes straight from the hills hoist minus her tiara.  Looking relaxed yet extraordinarily attractive she sat and asked straight up for the menu.

“I’m always hungry and like to order within five minutes of sitting down.” Ms Temple explained.  “You don’t want to wait for food any longer than necessary.”

After months of scouring through  various birth records on royal bloodlines across several countries I asked Ms Temple about how she felt about being exposed as a fraud. Many documents were examined over a two year period and The Daily Sun is the first to uncover the truth. Tamzen Temple is not a Temple Queen and not living in a Temple at all. Her response to my allegations was far from appealing.

“Of course I’m not a royal Temple Queen you freaking moron.  If you took even two seconds to look on my site you would know this.  I am the Queen of my Temple.  Now a Temple is otherwise known as a home.  So every woman in their home should be known as a Temple Queen.  They are the glue of the monarchy.. Just look at the actual Queen… you don’t think the old Duke of Edinburgh is the Araldite, or Superglue of the palace?  He doesn’t even compare to Clag and couldn’t keep his mind together let alone a broken tiara.”

With a compulsion to talk faster than the speed of light, it was difficult to make sense of the redheaded beauty that dazzled me with her witty charm.  She made absolutely no sense with the babble that came out of her mouth as I quizzed her further about her dark past and of her non-royal bloodline.

It was uncovered that the mother was a groupie before turning into a street walker and then a high class hooker.  Her father unknown due to the wild ways and inability of her mother to put the dates together with band tours.

“Well she, my mum Vera, is possibly the one who has the most direct links to royalty.  I mean she was very discreet and all but….I suppose that tattoo of the British flag with a little crown on top makes sense now… She liked to get a tatt for each of  her greatest conquests or should I say clients.     I’m yet to decipher them all.  She has a tattoo of a SULTANaaah… OMG I just worked that one out…”

But what about all her followers who hung on her every word, each piece of advice she gave believing that she offered them a world of peace and wisdom through her Temple Teachings?  With over five million followers in Australia alone there has been concern that the Temple Tribe of this incisive yet bizarre blogger may have been mislead on a number of occasions.

“Ummm look to be honest, I offer nothing.  I’m not a mummy blogger who gives great parenting advice..  actually can you remember if I had my little man Bronzy  with me when I entered..? Or did he stay home with the Guru..?  Hmmmm.

Anywho.. I’m not crafty nor do I travel a lot.  Except to see the celebs and stars of course but all the details are taken care for me by my PA Kim Groman.  I actually have no idea how to even buy an air ticket… so no advice given there.

As you can see my pants are on inside out, a common mistake I often make and the tag to my shirt is visible so it definitely shows you I am not a fashion blogger offering styling advice.

I do though occasionally share my epic food fails so I suppose I do give advice on what not to do in the kitchen and well…… My tagline for my blog actually is that I provide people with ‘a mass of useless information you may never need with the occasional insight to brilliance.”

She sat vacant, unresponsive yet with an alluring exotic look  in her eye as I hit her with the question on everyone’s lips.  What about the false claims she makes in curing sadness with pancakes.  Whilst many have agreed with her, advice in this area it is yet to be medically proven.

Pancakes cured me from my sadness and I stand by that statement. Although I am not often sad probably because I eat them also as a preventative measure.   They will make anyone happy.  But they should include a warning which I don’t believe it is up to me to give but if I did it would be “excessive consumption of pancakes especially with unscrupulous amounts of butter and maple syrup will make you fat.  As I have said on a number of occasions, (pointing to her robust butt, stomach, thighs and hips)  this is not baby fat… everyone blames the baby.. It’s pancake fat….”

There it is out in the open.  It was actually always out.  I never kept anything hidden I in fact believe that anyone who is a journalist interviewing someone should do their homework more than checking a blog post or Instagram account.  

It was later revealed that I have Ficticious Disorder   not to be confused with Facticious Disorder that a recent health blogger fraud claims to have.  On a serious note, if you do have any problems and need to talk to someone call LIFELINE.

I believe that there should be more honest people in the world like myself and my great friend I have never met but believe is unfairly ignored like myself Ronnie Peace.  He too lives an honest and true life making no secret of his faults and understandably self admiration.

Do you love pancakes?? I’d love to know your take.  Scroll scroll down to let me know and don’t forget to join the Temple Tribe.  My five millionth follower gets to spend the day with me.  Just leave your email in the ‘you’re adorable’ section and you become even more adorable. xx

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The Award Goes Too…

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The Award Acceptance Speech.

I received an award a few years back. I don’t talk about it much as I’m not one to gloat.. I was very humbled by the occasion and wanted to share my acceptance speech with you.

Here it is…

Thank you, thank you very much.

I’m humbled to be here, on this stage amongst you all.  It’s been a long journey, almost a year and prior to that a lot of planning.  Many said it couldn’t be done, many scoffed at the idea of this but I knew it would happen.  I never doubted it could happen despite all those who thought that Micko and I had given up.

But it also could not have happened without a few maestros in the performance. You guys are the ones that bought it all together, made it happen.

Firstly the midwife.  Maureen, you were amazing.  You knew what had to be done, you saw the bigger picture despite my plan you knew what would work best.  You guided me, held my hand through those moments of doubt and stuck with me despite us going over production time and possibly the whole budget.  You calmed Micko and provided me with endless gas which made me really, really happy.

Your assistant and newbie Erin…Oh Erin.. A child herself. .. It was her first experience in the industry and I don’t know if she’ll be back but…..

She was tough and showed courage even when I screamed louder than Tarzan being eaten by coyotes and  pushed her away with the force a category five hurricane when she offered me ‘ice to make things nice.’

The doctors… Yes I say plural because this baby did not want to come out and by end there were over 15 of you at the  show because it was change of shift and each of you had gold pass lanyards around your necks that allowed access all areas.

To the older lady who joined the crew toward the end of the production and tried to takeover…  You just didn’t have the vision we shared the 24 hours prior.

It was to be a spiritual event, one of survival not one emulating a western… I wasn’t calving. I was delivering a human and doing so in a birthing suite not a paddock…I want you to understand that although you’ve probably done this a billion times, it was my one and only time so you were wrong to  mess with me after three days of pain with  no sleep   and 40 years waiting for this child.

Complications and a roster change did not stop me doing it my way… the show will and did go on despite you.

Big sigh….

To Micko, my partner, my inspiration. You knocked me up, put me here…  You thought you could deliver this baby yourself.  You tried to shake him out. Once again Maureen for telling him that it’s not possible to do so.

Micko. You yelled at our unborn child to “help your mother and get out of there already!”

Thanks again Maureen for telling him that yelling at a baby in the womb has not been proven to help in any medical journal or in the history of childbirth.

Micko, you really were and are lovely.  You were there, you wanted to be there.

Thank you for hosing me down like a driveway back in the day before there were water restrictions.  You gave me lip gloss, took phone calls, pushed me to walk around the hospital to help ‘speed up the process’.

You spurred me on like Michelle Bridges to climb the stairs despite my objections.  “We’ll get that baby out!”  You ranted even though you had no idea the f$%# pain I was in but you were there, with me and I know you would have swapped places in a heartbeat if you could.

Whew. Finally, as I hold this golden award here in my arms I thank the Academy…. I mean… I thank whatever higher being be it God or the Aliens for this child, this baby in his perfect form.  He will take pride in my heart; remind me of all that is good in the world.

And to all those mums who have gone through the journey of the miracle of a baby; the wait, the anxiety the survival of it all and the ultimate reward.   Who gives a racoon if you delivered naturally, c-section, had an epidural, done it naturally, adopted or had a surrogate?

Who freaking cares if you breast feed or use formula?  It does not blooming matter because you guys rock….. I never knew how much until now.

Insert applause here… plus a standing ovation.

Holding award above head like Simba..

Bow gracefully..

Exit holding award firmly and don’t trip on gown.

Stayed tuned for further speeches..   Have one?  We’d love for you to share a segment below.

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Scroll, scroll, scroll to share your award winning moment.

Send us a full version to tamzentemple@gmail.com and go on and share this with other awesome mums.

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Peace and Ommmm from the Temple.

Have you joined the Temple Tribe.  Just enter your email in the ‘you’re adorable’ section at sidebar and you’re part of the most amazing revolution of niceness. xx