Whew.. I’m doing it… I’m quitting asparagus.
It took me a whole four years to think of what I could quit. I’d already quit smoking through a brilliant hypnotist (although now whenever I hear the word cigarette, I crow like a rooster) I don’t have much sugar and I’m not into gambling of late…
I can’t give up social media as I freaking love Instagram too much….so after much thought, I thought with this growing trend of quitting things I really must join in.
So I took the bold step to quit this green funny vegetable. (Please note, as I gave up asparagus the picture may contain broccoli instead)
It was a hard journey and one I was hesitant to begin. BUT as I do like to follow the trends of social media in the oversharing of sharing what is being quit, started, eaten, Donald Trump, hashtags, cat videos and quotes.. I thought it was my obligation as the writer of the ridiculous and social media hashtagger to document my physical and mental state through this challenge.
I wake up instantly craving asparagus… I think about the long slender sexy body and the funny Marge Simpson hair top thingy, a clash of beauty and insanity. I laugh and think how much fun asparagus is and then slap myself across the face and eat raw pumpkin instead. It tastes crap but it stopped me thinking of asparagus.
Lunch date and I met my bestie Gwyneth Paltrow at the local cafe.. OMG she freaking orders asparagus.. I yell at her.. “Are you freaking for real Gwynnie??!! You know I’m doing the Asparagus Ingestion Embargo.. What sort of a friend are you, you green eater?”
She tries to calm me but it’s too late. The waiter brings out her order and I take it from his hand and throw it in her face. “We are no longer friends you asparagus harlot. We are officially uncoupled.”
I left her crying in the cafe and felt bad but seriously, what sort of a friend orders asparagus?
I went to the supermarket to get the usual milk, bread blah blahh……. and right there in front of me was asparagus.. on special. Two for five dollars.. That’s a fifty cent saving and the temptation was great. I turned my back and walked away and bought a pack of chocolate coated doughnuts instead. Phew I nearly folded but doing this felt like a turning point to the seven day challenge.
I watch Sesame Street with Bronzy and there are dancing vegetables… including an asparagus. Why, why am I being haunted by asparagus..? I mean I hadn’t eaten it for one year prior to this Asparagus Ingestion Embargo and now I have chosen to quit asparagus it’s in my face everywhere….
I feel terrible as I turn off the TV. Bronzy cries as he begs for me to turn it back on so he can learn the alphabet. I tell him that Sesame Street is evil and he can never watch it again. He looks at me confused with tears in his eyes and I comfort him with chocolate and icecream.
I’m feeling edgy. Everything I look at reminds me of asparagus. I have four strong coffees in a row. Bronzy is at kinda so I have time to think and all I can think about is asparagus. I want a cigarette and start crowing. I search the house and find an old pack along with some old dried up tips of asparagus.. I mix it in with the cigarette and find that smoking asparagus takes away the edge.
I start searching online for asparagus…. I feel like I’m cheating looking at all the asparagus pictures…. I find one of white asparagus. I instantly gag at the thought of eating this… I have no idea why.
I made it. I feel liberated. I last the whole day without asparagus. I don’t even think about it, possibly because I started drinking at 10am. It’s a Sunday and they drink wine at church so I drink champagne at the Temple….
I felt a little solemn after I sobered up. I looked up the health benefits of asparagus and it’s really good for you. Apparently it’s great for hangovers. So I went straight down to Woolies and bought some and put Sesame Street while I cooked it. The house feels normal again and the Guru has come back inside after a week of avoiding me by hiding in the shed.
If you’ve been thinking about quitting asparagus, do it.. Challenge yourself. Even though I’m back on it… I’ve never felt better….
What have you quit???? Scroll scroll down to let me know.